Lucky Number Seven

Dear Sebastian,

You have your seventh tooth now. Congratulations. Your top left tooth next to your two front teeth has come in, which is great. You have had several very cranky days leading up to this one. I could hope that we would get a small break now, but these things tend to pop up in at least pairs, so I imagine another will be on its way out of your gums shortly. 

You also have your one year well check coming up. (I know. I'm late. So sue me.) Mommy has been so worried about your vaccines. I wasn't like this with your brother at all, but for some reason the thought of continuing on with the schedule the pediatricians have come up with based on the CDCs recommended vaccine schedule sends cold chills down my spine. The more research I've done, the more I am convinced that we need to delay some of your vaccines. Daddy says he 100% supports whatever I wish to do, so I am going into your appointment on Thursday ready for a battle. They give me an ear full when I decline the flu shot every year, I can't imagine it will go better when I tell them I want to put off the MMR and Chicken Pox vaccines. Wish me luck!

Your Daddy will be home soon. I am hoping that you warm up to him as much in person as you have on the computer. You get so excited when the computer chimes letting us know that Daddy is there to Skype with us! I joke with him that he is going to have to have some kind of fake laptop cut out that he holds in front of his face for a few days. :0) I think you will be OK. After all, you judge much of how you react to things on how your brother and I react, and Parker is almost beside himself with excitement waiting for Daddy to come home. I am too, of course, and I am hoping you will take your cues from that. I'm worried all the amped emotions might bother you, you seem to pick up on those things very well, but I know it will all be OK in the end and we will be a family under the same roof again soon. So exciting!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Rough Week

Dear Parker & Sebastian,

This has been a rough week. It's only Thursday, but it's been hard. Not one bit of it is your fault, and I wish I could somehow make you understand that. Yes, Parker, you have very much been a three year old on steroids this week. Yes, Sebastian, you have been unusually clingy and fussy. Any other week, however, Mommy would be able to handle these things without blinking. Not this week though. I have snapped and yelled and cried and plead, and overall I feel like a horrible, awful, terrible excuse for a mother that should have both of you removed from my care at once.

This is not the first time I have felt this way. Nor, I am sure, will it be my last. Sometimes, even mommies get overwhelmed by what is going on around them. It was just my turn.

You can not help the outside, grown-up crap that is going on. You can not help, Sebastian, that this is the week your poor teeth are kicking your butt. Or that you, Parker, are just being very three this week. You can't help that, as close as the three of us are, you are both bound to be picking up on my general mood, and that isn't helping the situation either. 

So why write this? You might be asking yourself. Well, one day, you are going to have a week (or two) where you want to rip your hair out. Where you want to scream and cry and hand your children over to your spouse and just walk out. Not forever, not by any means. But a trip to Wal-Mart, an hour to change the oil, 45 minutes worth of mowing the grass...these are all going to seem like a holiday. You are going to yell and scream. You are going to lose your temper and see little eyes, very much like your own, looking at you in shock and hurt. You are going to feel like the worst parent ever in the history of everything.

You aren't. You are just, as I am, human my sons. You are human, and you will make mistakes. Many of them. Your children will continue to love and adore you, no matter if you have a hard week. Just remember, the voice you use with them will become their inner monologue. Keep that in mind. Strive every day to be better, but don't beat yourself up when you fall short. If I have done right by you, you will both be amazing parents. I know it in my heart.

And, I am sorry for this week. I am sorry, Parker, for the times I have lost my temper and snapped and made tears fill your beautiful eyes. I am sorry, Sebastian, for the times that the tone of my voice has made you jump and start crying, confused that the person who is supposed to comfort you is the one who made you cry in the first place. I will strive to be better and to deserve the unconditional live you both give me so willingly on a daily basis.

I am sorry. I will do better.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Happy Birthday To You

Dear Sebastian,

Happy birthday sweet baby boy! You are now officially one. And my mind is officially blown. A year ago you were lifted onto my chest all angry and bloody. I snuggled you close, kissed you all over, and you pooped on me. :0) I can't believe it. Time has truly flown. 

And you walked. I would have denied it, but there were witnesses. I had a cup that you wanted and you were standing unsupported in front of me. You slowly lifted up your right foot and took a step towards me, then did the same with your left foot. Part of me was so, so proud. Part of me was horrified. I was really starting to believe that you were going to wait until Daddy got home. 

Please don't get me wrong, I was so excited and proud for you, but I also knew I was going to have to tell your Daddy and that he was going to be very sad, even though he'd be proud. You won't understand this for years, but it is very hard for Daddy to make the sacrifices he makes for us and for the country. He misses out on a lot, and misses you and your brother so very much!

Unlike your brother, you haven't really taken to it. Once he started, he never stopped. You still seem to prefer crawling, which is fine by me. I'm not sure I can take both you and your brother running around yet. You are fast enough crawling. :0)

Daddy was very proud of you when I told him, but sad that he missed it too. He called us on Skype so that he could watch you open some gifts and see you eat your "smash" cake. We even all sang you happy birthday, though our timing was all off because of the time delay on the computer. It is the thought that counts, right?

You did not smash said cake though. Mommy made you an owl. After examining it from every angle for awhile, you reached out and started picking at it very delicately, not smashing at all. It was really very sweet and dainty...until Mommy realized that you were picking at the eyes. You ate them very carefully until they were gone. I thought it was kind of funny, but also a little creepy. 

It has been an amazing year, my sweet boy. I have loved watching the little person you are bloom in front of me, and I am looking forward to watching that person develop as you get older. Happy birthday, Sebastian Robert Magnus! I adore you!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

One More Week

Dear Sebastian,

You will be one in a week. I would be lying if I said I was ready. In fact, I can't think of anything that I am less ready for at this point in my life. This year went by so fast. How can it have gone by so fast? It feels like just yesterday that you were this little baby, curled up in my arms as we comforted one another after the traumatic experience of birth...and now you are this little person who is growing up far too fast. Your brother did too, but for some reason it seems like it is going faster this time. 

Part of it, I am sure, is my feelings of guilt. I was looking through pictures of your brother tonight at your age, and there seem to be so many more of him. I know that a big reason I feel that way is the damaged hard drive with the first six months of your life on it that is currently tucked away safely, awaiting next years tax returns so that we have the money to fix it and try to recover some of those precious pictures. I am so sorry for that, son. I want you to know that I love you just as dearly, just as passionately, as I love your brother. Every smile, every moment, is just as precious as it was with him. I just feel like I am lacking in my photographic documentation this time around.

Another reason is that it really is going by faster. SO much has happened this year. Your Daddy came home to meet you, Mommy got sick with my gallbladder and then my pancreas, Daddy had to leave again...And I don't just have you to center all my time around, but your brother too. Sometimes I feel guilty for that as well. That you don't get the one on one time with me that he did in his first year. It isn't anything I can change, but I still feel guilty. Please know that I do everything I can to have special time with both of you so that you can have my undivided attention.

For you, most of that time comes in the morning. You wake up well before your big brother most days, and that time we get to curl together and snuggle in bed means so much to me. I hope that we will still be able to do that for a long time, even though I am going to have to stop nursing you very soon. Too soon. Something else I am sorry for. I wish my body was normal. I wish I was healthy and boring, but I'm not, and there is medication Mommy needs to be back on soon. Medication that isn't safe for you. So, I am going to have to wean you earlier than I would like, which will cut into a lot of our snuggling I think. I am hoping you will still want to curl around me in the early hours of the morning, even if you have to have a sippy in your hands instead of nursing. 

You are beautiful and amazing, my son. As your brother before you, you have this way of making me see the world through the eyes of a child again. I find a new amazement in simple things, like the ability to stand unsupported or the wonder of clapping my hands together. The adorable way you point to things you want, or how you simply nod your head in rhythm instead of full fledged dancing. You are an amazing little creature, and this year has been such a blessing to me. I look forward to the ones in front of us, even as I lament the speed of the one behind. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

New Discoveries

Dear Sebastian,

Every day it is something new. Today, it was that Mommy has these bushy tufts of hair above her eyes. What could they be for, I wonder? Perhaps you could pull them out! You certainly spent a good part of 20 minutes trying, as we lay in bed together this morning, to pluck my eyebrows out. I'm not complaining. It didn't hurt, (much) and you got such a big grin on your beautiful face every time you would reach out for another try that I just couldn't be upset with you. 

After all, eyebrows are new to you, and I am the only person in your every day life that has noticeable ones right now. (Your brothers have always been so blond that they are almost invisible.) Pluck away, little man. Mommy doesn't mind.

Something I did mind was your discovery of the stairs and how you could climb them today. Luckily big brother, who is always on the lookout for you, let me know so that I could run and catch up with you when you were only a couple of stairs up. We then walked up behind you patiently as you made your way to the top, which took a surprisingly short amount of time. You are an amazing little climber, quite the mountain goat, but now that you have done it you seem to think it is something that must be repeated regularly. You are not a fan when I put up the baby gate. Luckily, this will only be an issue when we are at friend's houses for now, since we don't have any stairs at our own. Of course I thought that about your big brother too, and he was your age when he took advantage of all the adults in the house forgetting to put up the gate one day, followed by a tumble that resulted in a split head and trip to the UCC.

Let's not repeat that experience, what do you say?

Keep making your discoveries, Baby. Mommy loves discovering with you!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Number Six

Dear Sebastian, 

You have six teeth today! Your other bottom tooth right next to the two front ones on the left came in now. So you have four in a perfect line across the bottom and your two front top teeth. 

You look so cute and perfect with your little teeth. I miss your gummy baby grins, but I am in love with your pearly white toddler ones too. 

Not that you are toddling yet, and as far as I am concerned you can wait as long as you want to before you start that. Mommy isn't ready to have both you and your brother running around yet, and it would be nice if you would wait until Daddy came home to start walking. No pressure. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Stand and Deliver

Dear Sebastian,

Today you stood all by yourself, not holding onto a thing! (Well, except for a safety fork you were chewing on.) You had pulled up on me and were watching your brother and I tie-dye when you just let go and stood there, continuing to observe. 

It had to be at least 3 minutes, because I had the time to grab the camera and snap a couple of shots. You just stood there like it was the most normal thing in the whole world until you wanted to sit down again and realized that you didn't know how. 

I've said it a thousand times, and I am sure I will again, but you are growing up so fast! Don't start walking yet! I'm not ready for it!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

I Spoke Too Soon!

Dear Sebastian,

Tooth number five popped out today! It has joined its fellows in your mouth, just waiting to chomp down on some innocent flesh. Congratulations.

And, oh yeah...WE HAVE "MAMA"!!! It was quiet, and you were mad at me and trying to get my attention, but it counts! You went "Mama! Maaaamaaaa!" and even your Hootie heard it, so I'm not crazy. YAY!!!

Sure, you said, Daddy, Goddit, Bubba, Cat, Dog, Hi, and something that sounds suspiciously like thank you first, but I do matter!!! It is nice to know.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Four On The Fourth

Dear Sebastian,

Today was your first Fourth of July. It was also the day that tooth number four declared independence from your gums! Your front top left tooth. I'm starting to think that you plan your milestones on big days like your birthdays and holidays. Now if you would only say "Mama"...

That's OK with me, Baby. You say Mama when you are ready. I can wait.

I wish your Daddy had been here to celebrate your first 4th of July with you. You had Mommy, Big Brother, Hootie and Aunt Harmony though, so you were well loved. I'd bought some protective ear gear, the kind people use when they are out shooting, so that you wouldn't get too startled by the fireworks. (And so your ears wouldn't get damaged.) You only left them on for a little while though before you had enough of them. So, if you are going deaf when you are 40, it's your own fault. :0)

You had fun. You were a little worried and scared, but for the most part you watched with awe. I wish your Daddy had been there to see it. I got some pictures, but not many. I asked your Aunt Harmony to take them for us, and Aunt Harmony needs some lessons in photography. :0) 

Happy first 4th of July, Sebastian Robert Magnus!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Number Three!

Dear Sebastian,

Tooth number THREE is out! After several days of swollen, bruised gums and an unhappy baby, the front top right tooth has broken through. Yay!!! I think the other front top tooth will follow soon. 

I wish that you didn't have to go through all this pain in order to get your beautiful little teeth out, but I promise you that it will be worth it. If not, I'll find that evil tooth fairy and beat her up for you.
 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Hi, Dada! Hi, Dada!

Dear Sebastian,

I worry about you a lot. How you are taking this whole deployment, but mostly how you are going to take Daddy coming home. We have an established routine, you, me, and Parker, and I am worried how it is going to unsettle you to have someone else thrown into this.

I am doing everything I can to make sure you know your Daddy. You, like your brother before you, have a Daddy book full of pictures of the two of you. You also have the amazing benefit of Skype, here you get to see Daddy on the computer about once a week. Usually you watch, maybe smile a bit, but today you gave your daddy such a thrill. Me too, but nothing compared to what you must have done to your Daddy's heart when you stuck both hands in the air, began waving enthusiastically, and yelled at the top of your lungs "Hi, Dada! Hi, Dada! Hi, Dada!" It was amazing and beautiful, and it lets me know that maybe I am more worried than you are. There are some things that can not be challenged by distance, no matter how great. I think perhaps the bond of father and son is one of those.

I can't wait to see you in his arms again, yelling "Hi, Dada! Hi, Dada!" and able to kiss his face instead of a computer screen.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

On The Move!

Dear Sebastian,

You are ten months old today. Ten months and you finally started crawling. You have been able to do it for some time now, I am sure of it. You have been scooting around on your butt just using your legs to push yourself for awhile now. Today though, you decided to join the ranks of the crawling.

So you got on your hands and knees and went for it! The entire time you were giving me this look like you shouldn't have to be lowering yourself this much. Don't I know it is my place to carry you. But you did it and we all cheered for you. Parker, Mommy, Hootie, and Harmony. We are so proud of you! You seemed to like the cheering part.

Don't worry son. You will learn to like it. Before you know it, you will be all over the place, never remembering that there was a time you didn't want to crawl and relied on Mommy to take you from point A to point B.

I am so proud of you, big boy!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Tooth Number Two

Dear Sebastian,

After a very rough night for both of us, tooth number two is out! Bottom front right, right next to your first one. You are all smiles this morning, so I am hoping that I can get some pictures to send to Daddy and Ohio. 

You're getting so big! 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

One Day You'll Need This

Dear Parker & Sebastian,

One day, years from now, you will both be standing in front of me trying to yell over the other one as you attempt to tell me what they did to you first. I will know that, deep down, you adore and love one another, but you might not believe me when I tell you. So, I will show you this and you will know it was true once upon a time. You once adored each other.

Earlier today Parker very proudly announced to me: "Sebastian is SO awesome! Thank you for giving him to me, Mommy." 

Every single day you both say or do something that just leaves me in awe. I don't know what I did to deserve the amazing men in my life, but I would do it again 1,000 times over!

 Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

First Tooth!

Dear Sebastian,

Today you are nine months old. Happy "birthday"! I can't even begin to imagine that you are nine months old today. It feels like just yesterday I was holding a brand new little boy in my arms. I am sure you will get sick of me saying that, but it really is true. In the blink of an eye, you watch your children jump from an infant to a toddler to a child. You'll be your big brother's age before you know it!

Further adding to the impression of your rapid growth is the fact that you sprouted your first tooth today. Your bottom left front tooth has now made it's break into the world! You aren't cooperating for pictures, but I'll get one one of these days so that Daddy and everyone back in Ohio can see it.

Only three months until you turn one. Time to start birthday planning!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

"Goddit"

Dear Sebastian,

You added a new phrase to your vocabulary today. You were playing on the floor with Daddy, reaching for the foot rest on your high chair with all your might. When your little fingers finally grasped it strongly you cried out "Goddit! Goddit! God god god goddit!"

With a big smile on his face, Daddy looked at you and said "You got it?" You giggled back and repeated:

"Goddit! Goddit! Dadadada! Goddit!"

You are amazing. Every day there is something new you learn or do, and I love it. I'm so blessed to get to experience it with you. And your Daddy is just glowing with it. He missed out on a lot of this with your brother because he was deployed. He's relishing every experience he gets to share with you.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Sebastian's Song

Dear Sebastian,

Hey my sweet baby boy. Just like your brother before you, you have a song. A special song that is all yours. No, I didn't come up with the tune, but the words are mine. :0) You enjoy this song a lot, though I think that your favorite song by far at this age is your ABCs. If you can't sing them by the time you're two, I'll be shocked. :0)

I wanted to have this written down for you so that you can look back on it one day and know it was yours. I love you so much sweet boy. Forever and always!

Baby Sebastian

To the tune of Baby Baluga

Baby Sebastian can't you see

How much that smile means to me?

Daddy loves it too, and Big Brother you know.

You're our little Baby Bunny on the go!

You're our little Baby Bunny on the go!

Baby Sebastian!

Baby Sebastian!

When you wave your little arms and kick your little legs

You make us so happy.

Baby Sebastian, you're so fine!

I'm so happy that you're mine.

With your big, bright eyes, and your long, little toes

You're our little Baby Banyan on the go!

You're our little Baby Banyan on the go!

Baby Sebastian!

Baby Sebastian!

When you wave your little arms and kick your little legs

You make us so happy!

Baby Sebastian can't you see

How much you are loved by me?

Daddy loves you too, and Big Brother you know.

You're out little Baby Boy on the go!

You're our little Baby Boy on the go!

Baby Sebastian!

Baby Sebastian!

When you wave your little arms and kick your little legs

You make us so happy!

Baby Sebastian!

Baby Sebastian!

No matter what you do we'll always love you.

You make us so happy!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Sebastian

Dear Sebastian,

You are seven months old now. Seven. When did that happen? I will tell you what I told your brother, I should have done this forever ago, but life passes us by so quickly that many things we should be doing get left undone.

You are getting so big so fast. You've been sitting up by yourself now for over a month. This is a good thing. You couldn't stand baths for months, but now that you can sit up in them with your big brother you are happy as can be so play and splash and squeal...It's very cute to watch. I have many pictures. I am sure that you will be horrified by that fact when you get older. :0)

You are also teething, poor boy. I wish I could take all the pain away from you, but I can't. All I can do is give you teething tablets and Tylanol and hope that your teeth will come quickly. You're having a horrible time of it, worse than your brother did, at least as far as I can remember.

Your Daddy is getting ready to leave again. I'm worried that you won't know him when he gets back. You are so close to him now. When Daddy walks in a room you just light up. I am hoping that we can pick up right where we will be leaving off when he comes home. He doesn't want to leave. He was so excited to think he was going to be home for your first year and a half or so...but it's just what he does. I hope that one day you will know how amazing he is and not regret too much the time you will miss out. The time you have with him is so blessed.

You are an amazing boy. You have such a ready smile for your family, especially your brother. I've never seen someone look at another like you look at him, and it is magical. I certainly hope that relationship lasts forever.

I love you, big boy! Every day you learn something new and experience something else, and it is soooooo much fun to watch and experience with you.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,
Mommy

Just The Beginning

My Dearest Sons,

This is just the beginning. There are so many things that I want to say to you, that I do say to you, that you just can't understand right now. Things that I don't know if you will ever fully understand, but I need them said. I want to know that, no matter what, one day you can look back and see this. See exactly how much you both meant to me. I want to make sure you know all those thoughts that run through a mother's mind while she's trying to raise little boys. (And your Daddy) 

Go ahead. I know you are rolling your eyes right now. That's OK. If you don't already, one day you will have children of your own, and you will understand everything that you desperately want to pass on to them and the fear that you might never get the chance. Hopefully this will give me that chance.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love Always,

Mommy