New Discoveries

Dear Sebastian,

Every day it is something new. Today, it was that Mommy has these bushy tufts of hair above her eyes. What could they be for, I wonder? Perhaps you could pull them out! You certainly spent a good part of 20 minutes trying, as we lay in bed together this morning, to pluck my eyebrows out. I'm not complaining. It didn't hurt, (much) and you got such a big grin on your beautiful face every time you would reach out for another try that I just couldn't be upset with you. 

After all, eyebrows are new to you, and I am the only person in your every day life that has noticeable ones right now. (Your brothers have always been so blond that they are almost invisible.) Pluck away, little man. Mommy doesn't mind.

Something I did mind was your discovery of the stairs and how you could climb them today. Luckily big brother, who is always on the lookout for you, let me know so that I could run and catch up with you when you were only a couple of stairs up. We then walked up behind you patiently as you made your way to the top, which took a surprisingly short amount of time. You are an amazing little climber, quite the mountain goat, but now that you have done it you seem to think it is something that must be repeated regularly. You are not a fan when I put up the baby gate. Luckily, this will only be an issue when we are at friend's houses for now, since we don't have any stairs at our own. Of course I thought that about your big brother too, and he was your age when he took advantage of all the adults in the house forgetting to put up the gate one day, followed by a tumble that resulted in a split head and trip to the UCC.

Let's not repeat that experience, what do you say?

Keep making your discoveries, Baby. Mommy loves discovering with you!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Number Six

Dear Sebastian, 

You have six teeth today! Your other bottom tooth right next to the two front ones on the left came in now. So you have four in a perfect line across the bottom and your two front top teeth. 

You look so cute and perfect with your little teeth. I miss your gummy baby grins, but I am in love with your pearly white toddler ones too. 

Not that you are toddling yet, and as far as I am concerned you can wait as long as you want to before you start that. Mommy isn't ready to have both you and your brother running around yet, and it would be nice if you would wait until Daddy came home to start walking. No pressure. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Always

Dear Parker,

Most of the time I think that you are doing so very well with this deployment. Then, every once in awhile, you will come out and say something that reminds me that you have fears too, even if you aren't sure why you are scared. You did that today.

You and Sebastian were playing at the train table, seemingly happy as could be, when you suddenly stopped and looked over at me, tears in your eyes. 

"Mommy, I don't want to be a Daddy!" Sure I had misheard you, I asked what, and you repeated with a little more fear in your voice "I don't want to grow up and be a Daddy!" We have often talked about when you grow up big like Daddy, and you have always been excited about the idea, so this was a complete change of tune.

Concerned by your sudden change in mood and the heartbreaking tremble in your bottom lip, I pulled you to me and asked 'Why ever not?"

Tears spilling over now you said "Because there can't be two daddies, and so if I am a Daddy and here, Daddy can't come home again, and I don't want to leave!" I am sure that years down the line this will be a story that I smile over, maybe even laugh a little, but right now I can't. You looked so heartbroken and scared that my heart cried for you as I held you close and rocked you.

"Parker, your Daddy will come home. He will always come home to us." It seemed important to get that out first and foremost. I never want you to doubt that fact, especially not at the age of three. I then went on. "It will be a long time before you are all grown up and ready to get married and have a house of your own and be a Daddy." This didn't seem to reassure you though. You clung to me tight and whimpered:

"I don't ever want to leave. I don't want to marry anyone else. I want to marry you and stay here with you forever." 

Part of knowing that I have done my job is knowing that one day you will grow and leave my home to one of your own. I will be sad on that day, even as I rejoice that you are a good man who your father and I have made as ready for this world as possible. I also know that this has nothing to do with that day, many years in the future, but with the fact that you are scared. You have too many people who you love that have to be far away. You have too many people who you can't see and touch and feel whenever you want to. You might not know how to explain that at three years old, but it scares you. It makes you feel like you aren't safe. It makes you feel like any of us could go away at any time, including you. And it breaks my heart that you have to feel that way, Parker. War is Hell, son, and more so on you children than anyone I think. 

So instead of trying to tell you that you would one day want to leave. Instead of trying to explain that being gone didn't mean we wouldn't always be a family. Instead of trying to make something make sense to you at three years old that I can't even get my mind around most days at twenty-eight, I held you close, kissed your head, and promised to you in a whisper:

"You can always stay with us, Parker. As long as you want to, you can be here. Always."

And I mean that. Forever and always, we are your family. We will always be together. I promise.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Best Chef Ever!

Dear Parker,

About two weeks ago, you asked me completely out of the blue: "Mommy, can I be a firefighter tiger Spiderman Darth Vader chef and cook at Wendy's?"I told you sure, why not? You can be anything you want to be.

So, today, again completely out of the blue, you said that you don't want to work at Wendy's anymore. You wants to work for Chef Ramsey. "And I will make him pancakes and he will think they taste SOOOO good, Mommy! I want to be on the red team though, not the blue team, OK?" 

Anything you want, my boy. And Gordon Ramsey will be happy to have you, I am sure!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Stand and Deliver

Dear Sebastian,

Today you stood all by yourself, not holding onto a thing! (Well, except for a safety fork you were chewing on.) You had pulled up on me and were watching your brother and I tie-dye when you just let go and stood there, continuing to observe. 

It had to be at least 3 minutes, because I had the time to grab the camera and snap a couple of shots. You just stood there like it was the most normal thing in the whole world until you wanted to sit down again and realized that you didn't know how. 

I've said it a thousand times, and I am sure I will again, but you are growing up so fast! Don't start walking yet! I'm not ready for it!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Care Bear Stare!

Dear Parker, 

A few days back you woke up not feeling well so we all cuddled on the couch. You asked me if you could watch Care Bears so you could feel better. ♥ That alone made me so proud of you! Today, however, I heard something I have been waiting to hear for 25 years!

Today you asked me: "Mommy, will you teach me how to do a Care Bear Stare?" *sniff* I am so proud! Care Bears played such an important part in my childhood, I am so happy to see them entering yours! 

Now my only problem is that you fully expect me to teach you how to shoot a stair out of your tummy. Not using your imagination...you expect me to actually help you do it. Oh boy.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Mommy Honey

Dear Parker,

Sometimes I wonder if every mother gets to have the type of conversations I get to have with you. I rather think not. I also think I am going to have my hands full for the rest of my life with you. My hands and my heart.

Parker: "I am going to call you Honey."

Mommy: "But, sweetheart, I am your Mommy."

Parker: "Daddy calls you honey."

Mommy: "Yes he does, but Daddy is my husband. You are my son, so you call me Mommy."

Parker, after giving this some thought: "I'll call you Mommy Honey."

And how do you argue with that? Especially when you reached out, touched my cheek, and smiled sweetly like you just knew I couldn't argue with you, and then followed it up with "I love you!"

The day I fear most with you is the day you realize the power you have. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy