Always

Dear Parker,

Most of the time I think that you are doing so very well with this deployment. Then, every once in awhile, you will come out and say something that reminds me that you have fears too, even if you aren't sure why you are scared. You did that today.

You and Sebastian were playing at the train table, seemingly happy as could be, when you suddenly stopped and looked over at me, tears in your eyes. 

"Mommy, I don't want to be a Daddy!" Sure I had misheard you, I asked what, and you repeated with a little more fear in your voice "I don't want to grow up and be a Daddy!" We have often talked about when you grow up big like Daddy, and you have always been excited about the idea, so this was a complete change of tune.

Concerned by your sudden change in mood and the heartbreaking tremble in your bottom lip, I pulled you to me and asked 'Why ever not?"

Tears spilling over now you said "Because there can't be two daddies, and so if I am a Daddy and here, Daddy can't come home again, and I don't want to leave!" I am sure that years down the line this will be a story that I smile over, maybe even laugh a little, but right now I can't. You looked so heartbroken and scared that my heart cried for you as I held you close and rocked you.

"Parker, your Daddy will come home. He will always come home to us." It seemed important to get that out first and foremost. I never want you to doubt that fact, especially not at the age of three. I then went on. "It will be a long time before you are all grown up and ready to get married and have a house of your own and be a Daddy." This didn't seem to reassure you though. You clung to me tight and whimpered:

"I don't ever want to leave. I don't want to marry anyone else. I want to marry you and stay here with you forever." 

Part of knowing that I have done my job is knowing that one day you will grow and leave my home to one of your own. I will be sad on that day, even as I rejoice that you are a good man who your father and I have made as ready for this world as possible. I also know that this has nothing to do with that day, many years in the future, but with the fact that you are scared. You have too many people who you love that have to be far away. You have too many people who you can't see and touch and feel whenever you want to. You might not know how to explain that at three years old, but it scares you. It makes you feel like you aren't safe. It makes you feel like any of us could go away at any time, including you. And it breaks my heart that you have to feel that way, Parker. War is Hell, son, and more so on you children than anyone I think. 

So instead of trying to tell you that you would one day want to leave. Instead of trying to explain that being gone didn't mean we wouldn't always be a family. Instead of trying to make something make sense to you at three years old that I can't even get my mind around most days at twenty-eight, I held you close, kissed your head, and promised to you in a whisper:

"You can always stay with us, Parker. As long as you want to, you can be here. Always."

And I mean that. Forever and always, we are your family. We will always be together. I promise.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Best Chef Ever!

Dear Parker,

About two weeks ago, you asked me completely out of the blue: "Mommy, can I be a firefighter tiger Spiderman Darth Vader chef and cook at Wendy's?"I told you sure, why not? You can be anything you want to be.

So, today, again completely out of the blue, you said that you don't want to work at Wendy's anymore. You wants to work for Chef Ramsey. "And I will make him pancakes and he will think they taste SOOOO good, Mommy! I want to be on the red team though, not the blue team, OK?" 

Anything you want, my boy. And Gordon Ramsey will be happy to have you, I am sure!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Stand and Deliver

Dear Sebastian,

Today you stood all by yourself, not holding onto a thing! (Well, except for a safety fork you were chewing on.) You had pulled up on me and were watching your brother and I tie-dye when you just let go and stood there, continuing to observe. 

It had to be at least 3 minutes, because I had the time to grab the camera and snap a couple of shots. You just stood there like it was the most normal thing in the whole world until you wanted to sit down again and realized that you didn't know how. 

I've said it a thousand times, and I am sure I will again, but you are growing up so fast! Don't start walking yet! I'm not ready for it!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Care Bear Stare!

Dear Parker, 

A few days back you woke up not feeling well so we all cuddled on the couch. You asked me if you could watch Care Bears so you could feel better. ♥ That alone made me so proud of you! Today, however, I heard something I have been waiting to hear for 25 years!

Today you asked me: "Mommy, will you teach me how to do a Care Bear Stare?" *sniff* I am so proud! Care Bears played such an important part in my childhood, I am so happy to see them entering yours! 

Now my only problem is that you fully expect me to teach you how to shoot a stair out of your tummy. Not using your imagination...you expect me to actually help you do it. Oh boy.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Mommy Honey

Dear Parker,

Sometimes I wonder if every mother gets to have the type of conversations I get to have with you. I rather think not. I also think I am going to have my hands full for the rest of my life with you. My hands and my heart.

Parker: "I am going to call you Honey."

Mommy: "But, sweetheart, I am your Mommy."

Parker: "Daddy calls you honey."

Mommy: "Yes he does, but Daddy is my husband. You are my son, so you call me Mommy."

Parker, after giving this some thought: "I'll call you Mommy Honey."

And how do you argue with that? Especially when you reached out, touched my cheek, and smiled sweetly like you just knew I couldn't argue with you, and then followed it up with "I love you!"

The day I fear most with you is the day you realize the power you have. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

You Are Just Amazing

Dear Parker,

You are just amazing. In case you didn't know. You bring joy to people just by being you, and none more than me. 

Your Aunt Harmony and Hootie had to go back to Ohio today, and it made me really sad. You, being you, asked me why I was so sad. I told you that it was because I missed Hootie, Aunt Harmony, and Daddy so much. Without missing a beat, you said not to worry, because you and Sebastian are here andyou  will keep me safe. 

Then you sang God Gave Me You to me while we were driving home from the airport. (It's your favorite song, you say.) 

I love, love, LOVE you, son. You and your brother just light up my world.  

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

I Spoke Too Soon!

Dear Sebastian,

Tooth number five popped out today! It has joined its fellows in your mouth, just waiting to chomp down on some innocent flesh. Congratulations.

And, oh yeah...WE HAVE "MAMA"!!! It was quiet, and you were mad at me and trying to get my attention, but it counts! You went "Mama! Maaaamaaaa!" and even your Hootie heard it, so I'm not crazy. YAY!!!

Sure, you said, Daddy, Goddit, Bubba, Cat, Dog, Hi, and something that sounds suspiciously like thank you first, but I do matter!!! It is nice to know.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Four On The Fourth

Dear Sebastian,

Today was your first Fourth of July. It was also the day that tooth number four declared independence from your gums! Your front top left tooth. I'm starting to think that you plan your milestones on big days like your birthdays and holidays. Now if you would only say "Mama"...

That's OK with me, Baby. You say Mama when you are ready. I can wait.

I wish your Daddy had been here to celebrate your first 4th of July with you. You had Mommy, Big Brother, Hootie and Aunt Harmony though, so you were well loved. I'd bought some protective ear gear, the kind people use when they are out shooting, so that you wouldn't get too startled by the fireworks. (And so your ears wouldn't get damaged.) You only left them on for a little while though before you had enough of them. So, if you are going deaf when you are 40, it's your own fault. :0)

You had fun. You were a little worried and scared, but for the most part you watched with awe. I wish your Daddy had been there to see it. I got some pictures, but not many. I asked your Aunt Harmony to take them for us, and Aunt Harmony needs some lessons in photography. :0) 

Happy first 4th of July, Sebastian Robert Magnus!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

In The Woods

Dear Parker,

Yesterday I taught you how to pee in the woods. I always thought it would be your father doing that, but desperate times call for desperate measures. At first you were very unsure about it, but once I assured you that it was OK, you thought it all a fun game! You tried to aim for weeds and laughed like a maniac the entire time. Coolest thing since sliced bread. 

Today, you were at the park with Hootie and Sebastian. Mommy was sick and in bed, so I didn't get to hear this story until later. I have no idea what Hootie was doing, but you were in a little area on the playground where she could see your head, but not the rest of you. Apparently, you were there for quite some time, and when she went to check on you, you had decided to practice your new found freedom of eliminating in the great outdoors...but pooping on the playground. 

It was quickly cleaned up, and I am pretty sure you left just as quickly, Hootie explaining to you that you just don't do that sort of thing. Later on, when I learned of it, we had a talk about how it is very important that you only do these things when there are no other options and Mommy or Daddy says it is OK. It probably would not have been as amusing to me had I been the one at the park with you, but as I wasn't, it was great fun for Mommy to hear about. I am hoping this doesn't continue to be a thing, but if it does I will have several stories to share with the woman you one day bring home as your bride, won't I?
 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy