You Know My Heart

Dear Parker,

I wonder if you ever plan on letting me get through a week without making me cry and thanking the Lord above for giving me such an amazing blessing. Probably not. I don't know where you come up with some of the stuff that you say, except that you are the purest, most beautiful little soul I have been blessed to meet at this point in my life. If your brother grows the same way, I can truly say that there is nothing else I can ask for in life to make me happy. You are more than I had ever hoped for.

It has been a rough week. I have been snapping a lot, and on Thursday evening I snapped about something while getting you ready for bed. The look of shock and sadness on both your faces was enough to make me instantly regret losing my temper. I told you both I was sorry, and you got this angelic sweet smile on your face, reached out and put your hand on my chest and assured me:

"It's OK, Mommy. You are so good in your heart. You are the best Mommy ever."

Fighting tears, I quietly told you I wasn't, as I thought to myself that no one, no one who had ever walked this Earth could deserve a son as wonderful as you, least of all me. Still smiling you assured me that I was indeed the best Mommy.

"You are the best of the best, Mommy. The best of the best."

I know you won't always feel that way. I know that one day you will tell me I don't understand. That I am wrong and I am ruining your life. And I will remember the little boy who put his hand over my heart and told me that I was so good in my heart, and the best of the best. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Over Balls

Dear Parker,

What a fun day. We usually have fun days, but today was extra fun. We headed up to Boise today, because Mommy had a doctors appointment early in the morning. As we entered the highway, you asked where we were going, and after I told you you very happily said:

"Oh good, Can we get my over balls?"

Alarmed and confused, I said "I'm sorry, what?"

"Some over balls that go kick!"

"What?!"

Now, you have this voice that you use when I am just not getting it. This doesn't happen often, but sometimes you are trying to explain something to me and it just isn't translating. I can't fake it either. If I try to pretend I know what you are saying, you will continue to repeat it until I repeat it to you correctly. You are so patient though. You have this tone that sort of sounds like "My Mother Is An Idiot But If I'm Patient She'll Get It", though I know you would never actually say that to me. You were using that voice now when you said "Over balls, Mommy. The kind that go kick!"

After mulling it over in my mind again, the only response I could come up with was another "What?"

If you have figured out what it was you were asking for, you are quicker than me. I was still saying "What?" fifteen minutes later when you finally, very slowly and patiently, said: "I want to get my over balls. The ones like Sebastian has that go kick over your shoulders!" 

And I got it. I was so proud of myself!!! So were you, I think. 

That's right, you wanted OVERALLS that go CLICK over your shoulders like Sebastian's. I had told you several weeks ago that the next time we went to Boise we would get you some overalls, and you hadn't forgotten. So you are now the proud owner of two new pairs of "over balls". You wear them well.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Always

Dear Parker,

Most of the time I think that you are doing so very well with this deployment. Then, every once in awhile, you will come out and say something that reminds me that you have fears too, even if you aren't sure why you are scared. You did that today.

You and Sebastian were playing at the train table, seemingly happy as could be, when you suddenly stopped and looked over at me, tears in your eyes. 

"Mommy, I don't want to be a Daddy!" Sure I had misheard you, I asked what, and you repeated with a little more fear in your voice "I don't want to grow up and be a Daddy!" We have often talked about when you grow up big like Daddy, and you have always been excited about the idea, so this was a complete change of tune.

Concerned by your sudden change in mood and the heartbreaking tremble in your bottom lip, I pulled you to me and asked 'Why ever not?"

Tears spilling over now you said "Because there can't be two daddies, and so if I am a Daddy and here, Daddy can't come home again, and I don't want to leave!" I am sure that years down the line this will be a story that I smile over, maybe even laugh a little, but right now I can't. You looked so heartbroken and scared that my heart cried for you as I held you close and rocked you.

"Parker, your Daddy will come home. He will always come home to us." It seemed important to get that out first and foremost. I never want you to doubt that fact, especially not at the age of three. I then went on. "It will be a long time before you are all grown up and ready to get married and have a house of your own and be a Daddy." This didn't seem to reassure you though. You clung to me tight and whimpered:

"I don't ever want to leave. I don't want to marry anyone else. I want to marry you and stay here with you forever." 

Part of knowing that I have done my job is knowing that one day you will grow and leave my home to one of your own. I will be sad on that day, even as I rejoice that you are a good man who your father and I have made as ready for this world as possible. I also know that this has nothing to do with that day, many years in the future, but with the fact that you are scared. You have too many people who you love that have to be far away. You have too many people who you can't see and touch and feel whenever you want to. You might not know how to explain that at three years old, but it scares you. It makes you feel like you aren't safe. It makes you feel like any of us could go away at any time, including you. And it breaks my heart that you have to feel that way, Parker. War is Hell, son, and more so on you children than anyone I think. 

So instead of trying to tell you that you would one day want to leave. Instead of trying to explain that being gone didn't mean we wouldn't always be a family. Instead of trying to make something make sense to you at three years old that I can't even get my mind around most days at twenty-eight, I held you close, kissed your head, and promised to you in a whisper:

"You can always stay with us, Parker. As long as you want to, you can be here. Always."

And I mean that. Forever and always, we are your family. We will always be together. I promise.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Best Chef Ever!

Dear Parker,

About two weeks ago, you asked me completely out of the blue: "Mommy, can I be a firefighter tiger Spiderman Darth Vader chef and cook at Wendy's?"I told you sure, why not? You can be anything you want to be.

So, today, again completely out of the blue, you said that you don't want to work at Wendy's anymore. You wants to work for Chef Ramsey. "And I will make him pancakes and he will think they taste SOOOO good, Mommy! I want to be on the red team though, not the blue team, OK?" 

Anything you want, my boy. And Gordon Ramsey will be happy to have you, I am sure!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Care Bear Stare!

Dear Parker, 

A few days back you woke up not feeling well so we all cuddled on the couch. You asked me if you could watch Care Bears so you could feel better. ♥ That alone made me so proud of you! Today, however, I heard something I have been waiting to hear for 25 years!

Today you asked me: "Mommy, will you teach me how to do a Care Bear Stare?" *sniff* I am so proud! Care Bears played such an important part in my childhood, I am so happy to see them entering yours! 

Now my only problem is that you fully expect me to teach you how to shoot a stair out of your tummy. Not using your imagination...you expect me to actually help you do it. Oh boy.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Mommy Honey

Dear Parker,

Sometimes I wonder if every mother gets to have the type of conversations I get to have with you. I rather think not. I also think I am going to have my hands full for the rest of my life with you. My hands and my heart.

Parker: "I am going to call you Honey."

Mommy: "But, sweetheart, I am your Mommy."

Parker: "Daddy calls you honey."

Mommy: "Yes he does, but Daddy is my husband. You are my son, so you call me Mommy."

Parker, after giving this some thought: "I'll call you Mommy Honey."

And how do you argue with that? Especially when you reached out, touched my cheek, and smiled sweetly like you just knew I couldn't argue with you, and then followed it up with "I love you!"

The day I fear most with you is the day you realize the power you have. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

You Are Just Amazing

Dear Parker,

You are just amazing. In case you didn't know. You bring joy to people just by being you, and none more than me. 

Your Aunt Harmony and Hootie had to go back to Ohio today, and it made me really sad. You, being you, asked me why I was so sad. I told you that it was because I missed Hootie, Aunt Harmony, and Daddy so much. Without missing a beat, you said not to worry, because you and Sebastian are here andyou  will keep me safe. 

Then you sang God Gave Me You to me while we were driving home from the airport. (It's your favorite song, you say.) 

I love, love, LOVE you, son. You and your brother just light up my world.  

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

How A Three Year Old Copes

Dear Parker,

It has been a rough month or so for you. I am sorry about that. I would do anything if I could bring your Daddy back right now, but I can't. He's on yet another deployment, his third since you were born, and his second in just a year, and that isn't fair to you. And I am so sorry.

You really have been a little trooper for the most part. You've cried. Asked me when Daddy could come home and told me how very much you miss him, but there have been funny moments too. Like when you asked me if we could just eat up all the kisses in your Daddy Kiss jar right now so that Daddy could come home. It broke my heart a little having to tell you that it didn't work like that, but it made me smile that you had thought of it. 

Then there was the time in the car, just four days after Daddy left, when the song God Gave Me You came on the radio. In your perfect, matter-of-fact voice you said to me "Mommy, God gave you me. I love God! He makes me happy. He made me strong. He made you strong too, Mama." I cried then, and thanked God for such an amazing son. 

Then there was the day you proposed to me. On May 11th you came up to me completely out of the blue and said "Mama, we're getting married!" I asked you what about Daddy, and you very obligingly told me "Daddy can be there." You have told me several times since that we will be getting married, though you have now informed me that I can be married to Daddy too. 

You miss him so very much. So does Sebastian, and so do I, but you are doing wonderfully! It really will be over before you know it, and Daddy will be home. As you say every night, your jar of kisses is going "downer and downer", and every kiss brings Daddy one day closer to being home with us again.

Later on today we are going to the airport to pick up your Hootie and Aunt Harmony. They will be visiting us for five weeks, so hopefully that will help the days go by quickly. I am worried that you will take it hard when they go, but we will get through this. No deployment will get the better of us. As you used to say to me last Summer "It's just you and me, Mommy! You and me!" and now Sebastian. There is nothing we can't get through together as a family. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

More? Already?

Dear Parker,

Every day it is something new. And most days it is something that makes me smile. Today, I heard you talking in the play room while I made lunch. Thinking you were talking to me, I called "What did you say, honey?"

"I'm not talking to you, Mommy. I'm just talking to God."

"Oh. OK." Smiling to myself, and thinking I'd probably get a very sweet response to share, I asked "What are you talking to God about?"

"I'm just asking Him if we can have another baby."

Oh boy. This is what happens when your children love each other more than life...they want more! I want you to remember this one day when you are asking me why in the world I cursed you with so many younger brothers. (And sisters maybe.)

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Sexy?

Dear Parker, 

Sometimes the conversations I have with you are just too much. I would hate to forget any of them, so I post them here, both so that I will remember them and so that you can read them one day and laugh. (Also, you can say to yourself "My kids are normal after all!")

Parker: "Mommy, what does 'sexy' mean?"

Mommy, frantically trying to come up with a three year old appropriate answer: "It means that someone is pretty or handsome to themselves or other people."

Parker: "Oh...So I am sexy and I know it!"

Do you know how alarming it is when your three year old says that? Alarming and hilarious, but the hilarious didn't come until later. That is why we listen to Country music when you are in the car with Mommy. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

One Day You'll Need This

Dear Parker & Sebastian,

One day, years from now, you will both be standing in front of me trying to yell over the other one as you attempt to tell me what they did to you first. I will know that, deep down, you adore and love one another, but you might not believe me when I tell you. So, I will show you this and you will know it was true once upon a time. You once adored each other.

Earlier today Parker very proudly announced to me: "Sebastian is SO awesome! Thank you for giving him to me, Mommy." 

Every single day you both say or do something that just leaves me in awe. I don't know what I did to deserve the amazing men in my life, but I would do it again 1,000 times over!

 Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Parker

Dear Parker, 

I should have done this years ago. I am sorry. I meant to, but, well, life got in the way. I am sorry for that. I have spent awhile feeling guilty about it, because I did intend on doing this from the time you were born, but then I realized that it's never too late. After all, you are only getting ready to turn three. It's not like you are eighteen and I'm sitting here trying to write to you about your life. 

Almost three. That completely baffles me. You will turn three years old in less than a month, and I could swear that I'd just brought you home yesterday. I know that I am your mother, but I am not just being biased when I tell you that you are a truly remarkable little man. I have stepped back and tried to look at you with an objective eye, especially in comparison to other children your age. The truth is, you out shine most children older than you. Believe it or not, there are not many children your age with your vocabulary, who are fully potty trained (even at night), who can write and spell (and finger spell) their names...you are an exceptional little boy. And I am not just saying that because I am your mother.

Earlier this week we were laying in bed together like we do every morning. You reached out and touched my face, placing your cheek in my palm and whispered "Mommy, I want to tell you a secret." You then smiled and continued with "I love your beautiful eyes. They are my favorite. I love your beautiful ears and your beautiful lips and your beautiful feet." My ears? I laughed, I had to, but you warmed my heart. You are one of the sweetest little people I have ever known.

You are also the most amazing big brother ever to walk the Earth, hands down. Again, this could be me just being a biased Mommy, except that there is no way that anyone could mistake the look that Sebastian gives you every time you are in his sights. And you just dote on him! It is the sweetest thing to see. Any time he makes a sound you look at me and say "Mommy, Sebastian is crying!" then you run to wherever he is and start singing the ABCs. (That is his favorite song...and even more so when you are the one singing it.) 

Right now as I write this your favorite color is red. Your favorite movie is Cars (or Cars 2). You worship the ground your Daddy walks on, but you are afraid he's going to leave again. And sometimes, while you won't admit it, you still love to snuggle up with your Mommy. :0)

I love you, Parker. More than you could ever imagine. You are my first, beautiful little miracle. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy