You Know My Heart

Dear Parker,

I wonder if you ever plan on letting me get through a week without making me cry and thanking the Lord above for giving me such an amazing blessing. Probably not. I don't know where you come up with some of the stuff that you say, except that you are the purest, most beautiful little soul I have been blessed to meet at this point in my life. If your brother grows the same way, I can truly say that there is nothing else I can ask for in life to make me happy. You are more than I had ever hoped for.

It has been a rough week. I have been snapping a lot, and on Thursday evening I snapped about something while getting you ready for bed. The look of shock and sadness on both your faces was enough to make me instantly regret losing my temper. I told you both I was sorry, and you got this angelic sweet smile on your face, reached out and put your hand on my chest and assured me:

"It's OK, Mommy. You are so good in your heart. You are the best Mommy ever."

Fighting tears, I quietly told you I wasn't, as I thought to myself that no one, no one who had ever walked this Earth could deserve a son as wonderful as you, least of all me. Still smiling you assured me that I was indeed the best Mommy.

"You are the best of the best, Mommy. The best of the best."

I know you won't always feel that way. I know that one day you will tell me I don't understand. That I am wrong and I am ruining your life. And I will remember the little boy who put his hand over my heart and told me that I was so good in my heart, and the best of the best. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Rough Week

Dear Parker & Sebastian,

This has been a rough week. It's only Thursday, but it's been hard. Not one bit of it is your fault, and I wish I could somehow make you understand that. Yes, Parker, you have very much been a three year old on steroids this week. Yes, Sebastian, you have been unusually clingy and fussy. Any other week, however, Mommy would be able to handle these things without blinking. Not this week though. I have snapped and yelled and cried and plead, and overall I feel like a horrible, awful, terrible excuse for a mother that should have both of you removed from my care at once.

This is not the first time I have felt this way. Nor, I am sure, will it be my last. Sometimes, even mommies get overwhelmed by what is going on around them. It was just my turn.

You can not help the outside, grown-up crap that is going on. You can not help, Sebastian, that this is the week your poor teeth are kicking your butt. Or that you, Parker, are just being very three this week. You can't help that, as close as the three of us are, you are both bound to be picking up on my general mood, and that isn't helping the situation either. 

So why write this? You might be asking yourself. Well, one day, you are going to have a week (or two) where you want to rip your hair out. Where you want to scream and cry and hand your children over to your spouse and just walk out. Not forever, not by any means. But a trip to Wal-Mart, an hour to change the oil, 45 minutes worth of mowing the grass...these are all going to seem like a holiday. You are going to yell and scream. You are going to lose your temper and see little eyes, very much like your own, looking at you in shock and hurt. You are going to feel like the worst parent ever in the history of everything.

You aren't. You are just, as I am, human my sons. You are human, and you will make mistakes. Many of them. Your children will continue to love and adore you, no matter if you have a hard week. Just remember, the voice you use with them will become their inner monologue. Keep that in mind. Strive every day to be better, but don't beat yourself up when you fall short. If I have done right by you, you will both be amazing parents. I know it in my heart.

And, I am sorry for this week. I am sorry, Parker, for the times I have lost my temper and snapped and made tears fill your beautiful eyes. I am sorry, Sebastian, for the times that the tone of my voice has made you jump and start crying, confused that the person who is supposed to comfort you is the one who made you cry in the first place. I will strive to be better and to deserve the unconditional live you both give me so willingly on a daily basis.

I am sorry. I will do better.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Harry Potter And Parker

Dear Parker,

You have discovered the magical world of Harry Potter, and in doing so have made your Mommy so happy and proud. We were all cuddled up together one day watching the first movie on TV. You were asking so many questions and wanted so badly to help Harry fight off Voldemort, and you looked at me with a  big grin and asked if I would read you the books when you were bigger. "When I'm five?" you asked eagerly, and how could I refuse?

So, when you are five, I will start reading you the first book and we will see where we go from there. I am sure these are books and movies we will share many, many times as you and your brother grow. They are such a magical series. (The books are better, of course, but the movies aren't terrible.) I am so excited to be sharing something with you that I enjoyed so much when I was younger, and still do if it comes to that.

I even made you a magic wand last night using my amazing Magical Mommy Skills. (Which involve dowel rods, a glue gun, and paint.) You spent a large part of today using that wand to help Harry fight Voldemort during a Harry Potter Marathon on ABC Family. I am glad you enjoy the movies, though I can't wait to share the books with you. They are better. Of course. Still, as amazing as you are, I am not sure you have the patience to sit through pictureless chapter books yet. I am probably, once again, underestimating you. I am sorry for that. I seem to do it a lot. It's not that I don't know you are amazing, it is just that I have a hard time wrapping my mind around how amazingly awesome you are. It's too much for one mind to take in. :0)

Enjoy your magic, little boy. You make mine every day.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Over Balls

Dear Parker,

What a fun day. We usually have fun days, but today was extra fun. We headed up to Boise today, because Mommy had a doctors appointment early in the morning. As we entered the highway, you asked where we were going, and after I told you you very happily said:

"Oh good, Can we get my over balls?"

Alarmed and confused, I said "I'm sorry, what?"

"Some over balls that go kick!"

"What?!"

Now, you have this voice that you use when I am just not getting it. This doesn't happen often, but sometimes you are trying to explain something to me and it just isn't translating. I can't fake it either. If I try to pretend I know what you are saying, you will continue to repeat it until I repeat it to you correctly. You are so patient though. You have this tone that sort of sounds like "My Mother Is An Idiot But If I'm Patient She'll Get It", though I know you would never actually say that to me. You were using that voice now when you said "Over balls, Mommy. The kind that go kick!"

After mulling it over in my mind again, the only response I could come up with was another "What?"

If you have figured out what it was you were asking for, you are quicker than me. I was still saying "What?" fifteen minutes later when you finally, very slowly and patiently, said: "I want to get my over balls. The ones like Sebastian has that go kick over your shoulders!" 

And I got it. I was so proud of myself!!! So were you, I think. 

That's right, you wanted OVERALLS that go CLICK over your shoulders like Sebastian's. I had told you several weeks ago that the next time we went to Boise we would get you some overalls, and you hadn't forgotten. So you are now the proud owner of two new pairs of "over balls". You wear them well.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Always

Dear Parker,

Most of the time I think that you are doing so very well with this deployment. Then, every once in awhile, you will come out and say something that reminds me that you have fears too, even if you aren't sure why you are scared. You did that today.

You and Sebastian were playing at the train table, seemingly happy as could be, when you suddenly stopped and looked over at me, tears in your eyes. 

"Mommy, I don't want to be a Daddy!" Sure I had misheard you, I asked what, and you repeated with a little more fear in your voice "I don't want to grow up and be a Daddy!" We have often talked about when you grow up big like Daddy, and you have always been excited about the idea, so this was a complete change of tune.

Concerned by your sudden change in mood and the heartbreaking tremble in your bottom lip, I pulled you to me and asked 'Why ever not?"

Tears spilling over now you said "Because there can't be two daddies, and so if I am a Daddy and here, Daddy can't come home again, and I don't want to leave!" I am sure that years down the line this will be a story that I smile over, maybe even laugh a little, but right now I can't. You looked so heartbroken and scared that my heart cried for you as I held you close and rocked you.

"Parker, your Daddy will come home. He will always come home to us." It seemed important to get that out first and foremost. I never want you to doubt that fact, especially not at the age of three. I then went on. "It will be a long time before you are all grown up and ready to get married and have a house of your own and be a Daddy." This didn't seem to reassure you though. You clung to me tight and whimpered:

"I don't ever want to leave. I don't want to marry anyone else. I want to marry you and stay here with you forever." 

Part of knowing that I have done my job is knowing that one day you will grow and leave my home to one of your own. I will be sad on that day, even as I rejoice that you are a good man who your father and I have made as ready for this world as possible. I also know that this has nothing to do with that day, many years in the future, but with the fact that you are scared. You have too many people who you love that have to be far away. You have too many people who you can't see and touch and feel whenever you want to. You might not know how to explain that at three years old, but it scares you. It makes you feel like you aren't safe. It makes you feel like any of us could go away at any time, including you. And it breaks my heart that you have to feel that way, Parker. War is Hell, son, and more so on you children than anyone I think. 

So instead of trying to tell you that you would one day want to leave. Instead of trying to explain that being gone didn't mean we wouldn't always be a family. Instead of trying to make something make sense to you at three years old that I can't even get my mind around most days at twenty-eight, I held you close, kissed your head, and promised to you in a whisper:

"You can always stay with us, Parker. As long as you want to, you can be here. Always."

And I mean that. Forever and always, we are your family. We will always be together. I promise.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Best Chef Ever!

Dear Parker,

About two weeks ago, you asked me completely out of the blue: "Mommy, can I be a firefighter tiger Spiderman Darth Vader chef and cook at Wendy's?"I told you sure, why not? You can be anything you want to be.

So, today, again completely out of the blue, you said that you don't want to work at Wendy's anymore. You wants to work for Chef Ramsey. "And I will make him pancakes and he will think they taste SOOOO good, Mommy! I want to be on the red team though, not the blue team, OK?" 

Anything you want, my boy. And Gordon Ramsey will be happy to have you, I am sure!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Care Bear Stare!

Dear Parker, 

A few days back you woke up not feeling well so we all cuddled on the couch. You asked me if you could watch Care Bears so you could feel better. ♥ That alone made me so proud of you! Today, however, I heard something I have been waiting to hear for 25 years!

Today you asked me: "Mommy, will you teach me how to do a Care Bear Stare?" *sniff* I am so proud! Care Bears played such an important part in my childhood, I am so happy to see them entering yours! 

Now my only problem is that you fully expect me to teach you how to shoot a stair out of your tummy. Not using your imagination...you expect me to actually help you do it. Oh boy.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Mommy Honey

Dear Parker,

Sometimes I wonder if every mother gets to have the type of conversations I get to have with you. I rather think not. I also think I am going to have my hands full for the rest of my life with you. My hands and my heart.

Parker: "I am going to call you Honey."

Mommy: "But, sweetheart, I am your Mommy."

Parker: "Daddy calls you honey."

Mommy: "Yes he does, but Daddy is my husband. You are my son, so you call me Mommy."

Parker, after giving this some thought: "I'll call you Mommy Honey."

And how do you argue with that? Especially when you reached out, touched my cheek, and smiled sweetly like you just knew I couldn't argue with you, and then followed it up with "I love you!"

The day I fear most with you is the day you realize the power you have. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

You Are Just Amazing

Dear Parker,

You are just amazing. In case you didn't know. You bring joy to people just by being you, and none more than me. 

Your Aunt Harmony and Hootie had to go back to Ohio today, and it made me really sad. You, being you, asked me why I was so sad. I told you that it was because I missed Hootie, Aunt Harmony, and Daddy so much. Without missing a beat, you said not to worry, because you and Sebastian are here andyou  will keep me safe. 

Then you sang God Gave Me You to me while we were driving home from the airport. (It's your favorite song, you say.) 

I love, love, LOVE you, son. You and your brother just light up my world.  

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

In The Woods

Dear Parker,

Yesterday I taught you how to pee in the woods. I always thought it would be your father doing that, but desperate times call for desperate measures. At first you were very unsure about it, but once I assured you that it was OK, you thought it all a fun game! You tried to aim for weeds and laughed like a maniac the entire time. Coolest thing since sliced bread. 

Today, you were at the park with Hootie and Sebastian. Mommy was sick and in bed, so I didn't get to hear this story until later. I have no idea what Hootie was doing, but you were in a little area on the playground where she could see your head, but not the rest of you. Apparently, you were there for quite some time, and when she went to check on you, you had decided to practice your new found freedom of eliminating in the great outdoors...but pooping on the playground. 

It was quickly cleaned up, and I am pretty sure you left just as quickly, Hootie explaining to you that you just don't do that sort of thing. Later on, when I learned of it, we had a talk about how it is very important that you only do these things when there are no other options and Mommy or Daddy says it is OK. It probably would not have been as amusing to me had I been the one at the park with you, but as I wasn't, it was great fun for Mommy to hear about. I am hoping this doesn't continue to be a thing, but if it does I will have several stories to share with the woman you one day bring home as your bride, won't I?
 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Brave

Dear Parker,

Today you had a special day out with just Mommy and Aunt Harmony while Hootie took Sebastian to the mall. We took you to see the new movie, Brave. Even though it is a "princess movie" is is about Scotland and bears and battles...I hoped you would like it. 

We had such a great time. You were such a big boy, sitting there in your theater chair, trying to stay close to the edge because if you scooted too far back the chair tried to flip closed on you. You had your very own drink and shared popcorn with Mommy and Auntie. Such a big boy was sitting next to me. I have to do these kinds of things more often. It is hard, living so far away from family, because there is no one here usually to watch your little brother while we take you to do big boy stuff. I promise we will make the effort more though, even if you just have a special day out with Mommy or Daddy while the other stays home with Sebastian. He will have his special days too. I want you both to know how very special you are to us, both as a pair and on your own.

I had so much fun with you today. You only got a little scared once, and cuddled up next to me so I could whisper reassurances in your ear. I loved the movie, but I loved watching your face as you took it in more. 

After we left, you insisted that you too needed a bow and arrows just like Merida. Always one to give in to reasonable requests, you now have a little purple and blue set of bow and arrows. We spent some time in the back yard together where I taught you how to shoot it. I am pleased and proud to say that you are a natural. Perhaps archery is in your future. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

How A Three Year Old Copes

Dear Parker,

It has been a rough month or so for you. I am sorry about that. I would do anything if I could bring your Daddy back right now, but I can't. He's on yet another deployment, his third since you were born, and his second in just a year, and that isn't fair to you. And I am so sorry.

You really have been a little trooper for the most part. You've cried. Asked me when Daddy could come home and told me how very much you miss him, but there have been funny moments too. Like when you asked me if we could just eat up all the kisses in your Daddy Kiss jar right now so that Daddy could come home. It broke my heart a little having to tell you that it didn't work like that, but it made me smile that you had thought of it. 

Then there was the time in the car, just four days after Daddy left, when the song God Gave Me You came on the radio. In your perfect, matter-of-fact voice you said to me "Mommy, God gave you me. I love God! He makes me happy. He made me strong. He made you strong too, Mama." I cried then, and thanked God for such an amazing son. 

Then there was the day you proposed to me. On May 11th you came up to me completely out of the blue and said "Mama, we're getting married!" I asked you what about Daddy, and you very obligingly told me "Daddy can be there." You have told me several times since that we will be getting married, though you have now informed me that I can be married to Daddy too. 

You miss him so very much. So does Sebastian, and so do I, but you are doing wonderfully! It really will be over before you know it, and Daddy will be home. As you say every night, your jar of kisses is going "downer and downer", and every kiss brings Daddy one day closer to being home with us again.

Later on today we are going to the airport to pick up your Hootie and Aunt Harmony. They will be visiting us for five weeks, so hopefully that will help the days go by quickly. I am worried that you will take it hard when they go, but we will get through this. No deployment will get the better of us. As you used to say to me last Summer "It's just you and me, Mommy! You and me!" and now Sebastian. There is nothing we can't get through together as a family. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Star Wars

Dear Parker,

Guess who watched Star Wars for the first time today? I was worried that there would be parts that scared you, but you are just in love. You have begged me for a Darth Vader costume, and in the same breath informed me that your next little brother needs to be named Darth Vader.

I am pretty sure that we won't be doing that, but I also see a lot of Star Wars in our future, which is fine with me. I like it too. 

Welcome to The Force, son.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

More? Already?

Dear Parker,

Every day it is something new. And most days it is something that makes me smile. Today, I heard you talking in the play room while I made lunch. Thinking you were talking to me, I called "What did you say, honey?"

"I'm not talking to you, Mommy. I'm just talking to God."

"Oh. OK." Smiling to myself, and thinking I'd probably get a very sweet response to share, I asked "What are you talking to God about?"

"I'm just asking Him if we can have another baby."

Oh boy. This is what happens when your children love each other more than life...they want more! I want you to remember this one day when you are asking me why in the world I cursed you with so many younger brothers. (And sisters maybe.)

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Sexy?

Dear Parker, 

Sometimes the conversations I have with you are just too much. I would hate to forget any of them, so I post them here, both so that I will remember them and so that you can read them one day and laugh. (Also, you can say to yourself "My kids are normal after all!")

Parker: "Mommy, what does 'sexy' mean?"

Mommy, frantically trying to come up with a three year old appropriate answer: "It means that someone is pretty or handsome to themselves or other people."

Parker: "Oh...So I am sexy and I know it!"

Do you know how alarming it is when your three year old says that? Alarming and hilarious, but the hilarious didn't come until later. That is why we listen to Country music when you are in the car with Mommy. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

One Day You'll Need This

Dear Parker & Sebastian,

One day, years from now, you will both be standing in front of me trying to yell over the other one as you attempt to tell me what they did to you first. I will know that, deep down, you adore and love one another, but you might not believe me when I tell you. So, I will show you this and you will know it was true once upon a time. You once adored each other.

Earlier today Parker very proudly announced to me: "Sebastian is SO awesome! Thank you for giving him to me, Mommy." 

Every single day you both say or do something that just leaves me in awe. I don't know what I did to deserve the amazing men in my life, but I would do it again 1,000 times over!

 Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Lunch

Dear Parker,

You are so my son!

As I was cooling down after my workout today I heard something very large being dragged down the hall. Peering around the corner, I find that you have dragged one of your toy tubs into the kitchen, suspiciously close to the pantry. 

Doing my duty as a Mommy, I asked what you were trying to get, and in the sweetest, sugar-won't-melt-in-his-mouth voice you replied "I was just getting you lunch." with such a smile and bat of your eyelashes that you almost could convince me. You know, if I didn't know you were mine. :0)

Until next time, be good (if you can), be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Get His Snot!

Dear Parker,

You crack me up on a daily basis. Today was no exception.

We were at the park for a play date today, and while on the swings we saw another little boy, maybe a year older than you, who had a runny nose. You pointed at him and urgently told me "Mommy, he has snot! Get it!"

You have been having some allergy problems, so I have been wiping up a lot of snot lately, but I patiently told you that it wasn't my job to get his snot. You looked at me right in the eye and very firmly said "Yes it is, Mommy. Your job is getting snot." As I have said, I have been wiping up a lot of snot lately between you and your brother, but it made me laugh to think you have regulated my job as a stay at home mother to wiping up snot. 

I have since explained to you that my job is to wipe up you and Sebastian's snot, not anyone else's, but you still made me smile. Thank you for that, son.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Happy 3rd Birthday, Parker!

My Dearest Little Boy,

You are three now. I can't begin to tell you how much that blows Mommies mind. It truly feels that only yesterday I was holding this perfect little 8lb 5.4oz baby in my arms with eyes so dark blue that they looked black and hair so light and soft...you were perfect. I have never been so completely floored by unconditional love as I was when I held you for the first time...

And now you are three. And you are still so very perfect. 

You are also mine 100%. Stubborn, bright, charming, inquisitive...You test me. You test me right up to the edge of my patience and sanity. 

You amaze me. I am in complete and total awe of the amazing little person you are, the amazing little person I can see you becoming...It amazes me the way you touch people everywhere we go without any effort at all. You smile and a room lights up with the joy that is you. You laugh and people around you laugh without even knowing why. You speak and you make people think. 

You are a gift from God to this world, Michael Parker-Maxwin. Not just to your Daddy, brother, and I, but to the entire world. Keep shining my little star. You have given me three amazing years, and it makes me sad that they have gone by so very fast, but I look forward to the years ahead of us too.

Happy birthday my amazing son. And many, many more.

 Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,
Mommy

Parker's Song

Dear Parker,

You have a song. A special song that is just yours. I sang it one day when you were just a tiny baby, and it stuck. I made it up all myself...Well, OK, I didn't make up the tune. The words are all mine though, and you love it. Almost as much as I love you. :0)

I wanted to make sure it was written down. Just in case I go crazy years from now and can't remember it, I wanted you to know your song.

Baby Parker

To the tune of Rubber Ducky

Baby Parker, you're the one.

You make living lots of fun!

Baby Parker, I'm awfully fond of you.

Boo boo pa do.

Baby Parker, you're so sweet.

You make every day really neat.

Baby Parker, I'm awfully fond of you!

Knew I loved you when you were living in my belly!

Now you're making every day absolutely swelly.

Boo boo pa delly.

Baby Parker, you're so fine.

And I'm glad you're really mine.

Baby Parker, I'm awfully find of you!

Knew I loved you when you were living in my belly!

Now you're making every day absolutely swelly!

Boodah Boodah Belly!

Baby Parker, I love you!

And your Daddy loves you too.

Baby Parker, I'm awfully fond of,

Baby Parker, I'm terribly fond of,

Baby Parker, I'm awfully fond of you!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy