Rough Week

Dear Parker & Sebastian,

This has been a rough week. It's only Thursday, but it's been hard. Not one bit of it is your fault, and I wish I could somehow make you understand that. Yes, Parker, you have very much been a three year old on steroids this week. Yes, Sebastian, you have been unusually clingy and fussy. Any other week, however, Mommy would be able to handle these things without blinking. Not this week though. I have snapped and yelled and cried and plead, and overall I feel like a horrible, awful, terrible excuse for a mother that should have both of you removed from my care at once.

This is not the first time I have felt this way. Nor, I am sure, will it be my last. Sometimes, even mommies get overwhelmed by what is going on around them. It was just my turn.

You can not help the outside, grown-up crap that is going on. You can not help, Sebastian, that this is the week your poor teeth are kicking your butt. Or that you, Parker, are just being very three this week. You can't help that, as close as the three of us are, you are both bound to be picking up on my general mood, and that isn't helping the situation either. 

So why write this? You might be asking yourself. Well, one day, you are going to have a week (or two) where you want to rip your hair out. Where you want to scream and cry and hand your children over to your spouse and just walk out. Not forever, not by any means. But a trip to Wal-Mart, an hour to change the oil, 45 minutes worth of mowing the grass...these are all going to seem like a holiday. You are going to yell and scream. You are going to lose your temper and see little eyes, very much like your own, looking at you in shock and hurt. You are going to feel like the worst parent ever in the history of everything.

You aren't. You are just, as I am, human my sons. You are human, and you will make mistakes. Many of them. Your children will continue to love and adore you, no matter if you have a hard week. Just remember, the voice you use with them will become their inner monologue. Keep that in mind. Strive every day to be better, but don't beat yourself up when you fall short. If I have done right by you, you will both be amazing parents. I know it in my heart.

And, I am sorry for this week. I am sorry, Parker, for the times I have lost my temper and snapped and made tears fill your beautiful eyes. I am sorry, Sebastian, for the times that the tone of my voice has made you jump and start crying, confused that the person who is supposed to comfort you is the one who made you cry in the first place. I will strive to be better and to deserve the unconditional live you both give me so willingly on a daily basis.

I am sorry. I will do better.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Happy Birthday To You

Dear Sebastian,

Happy birthday sweet baby boy! You are now officially one. And my mind is officially blown. A year ago you were lifted onto my chest all angry and bloody. I snuggled you close, kissed you all over, and you pooped on me. :0) I can't believe it. Time has truly flown. 

And you walked. I would have denied it, but there were witnesses. I had a cup that you wanted and you were standing unsupported in front of me. You slowly lifted up your right foot and took a step towards me, then did the same with your left foot. Part of me was so, so proud. Part of me was horrified. I was really starting to believe that you were going to wait until Daddy got home. 

Please don't get me wrong, I was so excited and proud for you, but I also knew I was going to have to tell your Daddy and that he was going to be very sad, even though he'd be proud. You won't understand this for years, but it is very hard for Daddy to make the sacrifices he makes for us and for the country. He misses out on a lot, and misses you and your brother so very much!

Unlike your brother, you haven't really taken to it. Once he started, he never stopped. You still seem to prefer crawling, which is fine by me. I'm not sure I can take both you and your brother running around yet. You are fast enough crawling. :0)

Daddy was very proud of you when I told him, but sad that he missed it too. He called us on Skype so that he could watch you open some gifts and see you eat your "smash" cake. We even all sang you happy birthday, though our timing was all off because of the time delay on the computer. It is the thought that counts, right?

You did not smash said cake though. Mommy made you an owl. After examining it from every angle for awhile, you reached out and started picking at it very delicately, not smashing at all. It was really very sweet and dainty...until Mommy realized that you were picking at the eyes. You ate them very carefully until they were gone. I thought it was kind of funny, but also a little creepy. 

It has been an amazing year, my sweet boy. I have loved watching the little person you are bloom in front of me, and I am looking forward to watching that person develop as you get older. Happy birthday, Sebastian Robert Magnus! I adore you!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

One More Week

Dear Sebastian,

You will be one in a week. I would be lying if I said I was ready. In fact, I can't think of anything that I am less ready for at this point in my life. This year went by so fast. How can it have gone by so fast? It feels like just yesterday that you were this little baby, curled up in my arms as we comforted one another after the traumatic experience of birth...and now you are this little person who is growing up far too fast. Your brother did too, but for some reason it seems like it is going faster this time. 

Part of it, I am sure, is my feelings of guilt. I was looking through pictures of your brother tonight at your age, and there seem to be so many more of him. I know that a big reason I feel that way is the damaged hard drive with the first six months of your life on it that is currently tucked away safely, awaiting next years tax returns so that we have the money to fix it and try to recover some of those precious pictures. I am so sorry for that, son. I want you to know that I love you just as dearly, just as passionately, as I love your brother. Every smile, every moment, is just as precious as it was with him. I just feel like I am lacking in my photographic documentation this time around.

Another reason is that it really is going by faster. SO much has happened this year. Your Daddy came home to meet you, Mommy got sick with my gallbladder and then my pancreas, Daddy had to leave again...And I don't just have you to center all my time around, but your brother too. Sometimes I feel guilty for that as well. That you don't get the one on one time with me that he did in his first year. It isn't anything I can change, but I still feel guilty. Please know that I do everything I can to have special time with both of you so that you can have my undivided attention.

For you, most of that time comes in the morning. You wake up well before your big brother most days, and that time we get to curl together and snuggle in bed means so much to me. I hope that we will still be able to do that for a long time, even though I am going to have to stop nursing you very soon. Too soon. Something else I am sorry for. I wish my body was normal. I wish I was healthy and boring, but I'm not, and there is medication Mommy needs to be back on soon. Medication that isn't safe for you. So, I am going to have to wean you earlier than I would like, which will cut into a lot of our snuggling I think. I am hoping you will still want to curl around me in the early hours of the morning, even if you have to have a sippy in your hands instead of nursing. 

You are beautiful and amazing, my son. As your brother before you, you have this way of making me see the world through the eyes of a child again. I find a new amazement in simple things, like the ability to stand unsupported or the wonder of clapping my hands together. The adorable way you point to things you want, or how you simply nod your head in rhythm instead of full fledged dancing. You are an amazing little creature, and this year has been such a blessing to me. I look forward to the ones in front of us, even as I lament the speed of the one behind. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Harry Potter And Parker

Dear Parker,

You have discovered the magical world of Harry Potter, and in doing so have made your Mommy so happy and proud. We were all cuddled up together one day watching the first movie on TV. You were asking so many questions and wanted so badly to help Harry fight off Voldemort, and you looked at me with a  big grin and asked if I would read you the books when you were bigger. "When I'm five?" you asked eagerly, and how could I refuse?

So, when you are five, I will start reading you the first book and we will see where we go from there. I am sure these are books and movies we will share many, many times as you and your brother grow. They are such a magical series. (The books are better, of course, but the movies aren't terrible.) I am so excited to be sharing something with you that I enjoyed so much when I was younger, and still do if it comes to that.

I even made you a magic wand last night using my amazing Magical Mommy Skills. (Which involve dowel rods, a glue gun, and paint.) You spent a large part of today using that wand to help Harry fight Voldemort during a Harry Potter Marathon on ABC Family. I am glad you enjoy the movies, though I can't wait to share the books with you. They are better. Of course. Still, as amazing as you are, I am not sure you have the patience to sit through pictureless chapter books yet. I am probably, once again, underestimating you. I am sorry for that. I seem to do it a lot. It's not that I don't know you are amazing, it is just that I have a hard time wrapping my mind around how amazingly awesome you are. It's too much for one mind to take in. :0)

Enjoy your magic, little boy. You make mine every day.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Over Balls

Dear Parker,

What a fun day. We usually have fun days, but today was extra fun. We headed up to Boise today, because Mommy had a doctors appointment early in the morning. As we entered the highway, you asked where we were going, and after I told you you very happily said:

"Oh good, Can we get my over balls?"

Alarmed and confused, I said "I'm sorry, what?"

"Some over balls that go kick!"

"What?!"

Now, you have this voice that you use when I am just not getting it. This doesn't happen often, but sometimes you are trying to explain something to me and it just isn't translating. I can't fake it either. If I try to pretend I know what you are saying, you will continue to repeat it until I repeat it to you correctly. You are so patient though. You have this tone that sort of sounds like "My Mother Is An Idiot But If I'm Patient She'll Get It", though I know you would never actually say that to me. You were using that voice now when you said "Over balls, Mommy. The kind that go kick!"

After mulling it over in my mind again, the only response I could come up with was another "What?"

If you have figured out what it was you were asking for, you are quicker than me. I was still saying "What?" fifteen minutes later when you finally, very slowly and patiently, said: "I want to get my over balls. The ones like Sebastian has that go kick over your shoulders!" 

And I got it. I was so proud of myself!!! So were you, I think. 

That's right, you wanted OVERALLS that go CLICK over your shoulders like Sebastian's. I had told you several weeks ago that the next time we went to Boise we would get you some overalls, and you hadn't forgotten. So you are now the proud owner of two new pairs of "over balls". You wear them well.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

New Discoveries

Dear Sebastian,

Every day it is something new. Today, it was that Mommy has these bushy tufts of hair above her eyes. What could they be for, I wonder? Perhaps you could pull them out! You certainly spent a good part of 20 minutes trying, as we lay in bed together this morning, to pluck my eyebrows out. I'm not complaining. It didn't hurt, (much) and you got such a big grin on your beautiful face every time you would reach out for another try that I just couldn't be upset with you. 

After all, eyebrows are new to you, and I am the only person in your every day life that has noticeable ones right now. (Your brothers have always been so blond that they are almost invisible.) Pluck away, little man. Mommy doesn't mind.

Something I did mind was your discovery of the stairs and how you could climb them today. Luckily big brother, who is always on the lookout for you, let me know so that I could run and catch up with you when you were only a couple of stairs up. We then walked up behind you patiently as you made your way to the top, which took a surprisingly short amount of time. You are an amazing little climber, quite the mountain goat, but now that you have done it you seem to think it is something that must be repeated regularly. You are not a fan when I put up the baby gate. Luckily, this will only be an issue when we are at friend's houses for now, since we don't have any stairs at our own. Of course I thought that about your big brother too, and he was your age when he took advantage of all the adults in the house forgetting to put up the gate one day, followed by a tumble that resulted in a split head and trip to the UCC.

Let's not repeat that experience, what do you say?

Keep making your discoveries, Baby. Mommy loves discovering with you!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Number Six

Dear Sebastian, 

You have six teeth today! Your other bottom tooth right next to the two front ones on the left came in now. So you have four in a perfect line across the bottom and your two front top teeth. 

You look so cute and perfect with your little teeth. I miss your gummy baby grins, but I am in love with your pearly white toddler ones too. 

Not that you are toddling yet, and as far as I am concerned you can wait as long as you want to before you start that. Mommy isn't ready to have both you and your brother running around yet, and it would be nice if you would wait until Daddy came home to start walking. No pressure. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy