Lucky Number Seven

Dear Sebastian,

You have your seventh tooth now. Congratulations. Your top left tooth next to your two front teeth has come in, which is great. You have had several very cranky days leading up to this one. I could hope that we would get a small break now, but these things tend to pop up in at least pairs, so I imagine another will be on its way out of your gums shortly. 

You also have your one year well check coming up. (I know. I'm late. So sue me.) Mommy has been so worried about your vaccines. I wasn't like this with your brother at all, but for some reason the thought of continuing on with the schedule the pediatricians have come up with based on the CDCs recommended vaccine schedule sends cold chills down my spine. The more research I've done, the more I am convinced that we need to delay some of your vaccines. Daddy says he 100% supports whatever I wish to do, so I am going into your appointment on Thursday ready for a battle. They give me an ear full when I decline the flu shot every year, I can't imagine it will go better when I tell them I want to put off the MMR and Chicken Pox vaccines. Wish me luck!

Your Daddy will be home soon. I am hoping that you warm up to him as much in person as you have on the computer. You get so excited when the computer chimes letting us know that Daddy is there to Skype with us! I joke with him that he is going to have to have some kind of fake laptop cut out that he holds in front of his face for a few days. :0) I think you will be OK. After all, you judge much of how you react to things on how your brother and I react, and Parker is almost beside himself with excitement waiting for Daddy to come home. I am too, of course, and I am hoping you will take your cues from that. I'm worried all the amped emotions might bother you, you seem to pick up on those things very well, but I know it will all be OK in the end and we will be a family under the same roof again soon. So exciting!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

You Know My Heart

Dear Parker,

I wonder if you ever plan on letting me get through a week without making me cry and thanking the Lord above for giving me such an amazing blessing. Probably not. I don't know where you come up with some of the stuff that you say, except that you are the purest, most beautiful little soul I have been blessed to meet at this point in my life. If your brother grows the same way, I can truly say that there is nothing else I can ask for in life to make me happy. You are more than I had ever hoped for.

It has been a rough week. I have been snapping a lot, and on Thursday evening I snapped about something while getting you ready for bed. The look of shock and sadness on both your faces was enough to make me instantly regret losing my temper. I told you both I was sorry, and you got this angelic sweet smile on your face, reached out and put your hand on my chest and assured me:

"It's OK, Mommy. You are so good in your heart. You are the best Mommy ever."

Fighting tears, I quietly told you I wasn't, as I thought to myself that no one, no one who had ever walked this Earth could deserve a son as wonderful as you, least of all me. Still smiling you assured me that I was indeed the best Mommy.

"You are the best of the best, Mommy. The best of the best."

I know you won't always feel that way. I know that one day you will tell me I don't understand. That I am wrong and I am ruining your life. And I will remember the little boy who put his hand over my heart and told me that I was so good in my heart, and the best of the best. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Rough Week

Dear Parker & Sebastian,

This has been a rough week. It's only Thursday, but it's been hard. Not one bit of it is your fault, and I wish I could somehow make you understand that. Yes, Parker, you have very much been a three year old on steroids this week. Yes, Sebastian, you have been unusually clingy and fussy. Any other week, however, Mommy would be able to handle these things without blinking. Not this week though. I have snapped and yelled and cried and plead, and overall I feel like a horrible, awful, terrible excuse for a mother that should have both of you removed from my care at once.

This is not the first time I have felt this way. Nor, I am sure, will it be my last. Sometimes, even mommies get overwhelmed by what is going on around them. It was just my turn.

You can not help the outside, grown-up crap that is going on. You can not help, Sebastian, that this is the week your poor teeth are kicking your butt. Or that you, Parker, are just being very three this week. You can't help that, as close as the three of us are, you are both bound to be picking up on my general mood, and that isn't helping the situation either. 

So why write this? You might be asking yourself. Well, one day, you are going to have a week (or two) where you want to rip your hair out. Where you want to scream and cry and hand your children over to your spouse and just walk out. Not forever, not by any means. But a trip to Wal-Mart, an hour to change the oil, 45 minutes worth of mowing the grass...these are all going to seem like a holiday. You are going to yell and scream. You are going to lose your temper and see little eyes, very much like your own, looking at you in shock and hurt. You are going to feel like the worst parent ever in the history of everything.

You aren't. You are just, as I am, human my sons. You are human, and you will make mistakes. Many of them. Your children will continue to love and adore you, no matter if you have a hard week. Just remember, the voice you use with them will become their inner monologue. Keep that in mind. Strive every day to be better, but don't beat yourself up when you fall short. If I have done right by you, you will both be amazing parents. I know it in my heart.

And, I am sorry for this week. I am sorry, Parker, for the times I have lost my temper and snapped and made tears fill your beautiful eyes. I am sorry, Sebastian, for the times that the tone of my voice has made you jump and start crying, confused that the person who is supposed to comfort you is the one who made you cry in the first place. I will strive to be better and to deserve the unconditional live you both give me so willingly on a daily basis.

I am sorry. I will do better.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Happy Birthday To You

Dear Sebastian,

Happy birthday sweet baby boy! You are now officially one. And my mind is officially blown. A year ago you were lifted onto my chest all angry and bloody. I snuggled you close, kissed you all over, and you pooped on me. :0) I can't believe it. Time has truly flown. 

And you walked. I would have denied it, but there were witnesses. I had a cup that you wanted and you were standing unsupported in front of me. You slowly lifted up your right foot and took a step towards me, then did the same with your left foot. Part of me was so, so proud. Part of me was horrified. I was really starting to believe that you were going to wait until Daddy got home. 

Please don't get me wrong, I was so excited and proud for you, but I also knew I was going to have to tell your Daddy and that he was going to be very sad, even though he'd be proud. You won't understand this for years, but it is very hard for Daddy to make the sacrifices he makes for us and for the country. He misses out on a lot, and misses you and your brother so very much!

Unlike your brother, you haven't really taken to it. Once he started, he never stopped. You still seem to prefer crawling, which is fine by me. I'm not sure I can take both you and your brother running around yet. You are fast enough crawling. :0)

Daddy was very proud of you when I told him, but sad that he missed it too. He called us on Skype so that he could watch you open some gifts and see you eat your "smash" cake. We even all sang you happy birthday, though our timing was all off because of the time delay on the computer. It is the thought that counts, right?

You did not smash said cake though. Mommy made you an owl. After examining it from every angle for awhile, you reached out and started picking at it very delicately, not smashing at all. It was really very sweet and dainty...until Mommy realized that you were picking at the eyes. You ate them very carefully until they were gone. I thought it was kind of funny, but also a little creepy. 

It has been an amazing year, my sweet boy. I have loved watching the little person you are bloom in front of me, and I am looking forward to watching that person develop as you get older. Happy birthday, Sebastian Robert Magnus! I adore you!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

One More Week

Dear Sebastian,

You will be one in a week. I would be lying if I said I was ready. In fact, I can't think of anything that I am less ready for at this point in my life. This year went by so fast. How can it have gone by so fast? It feels like just yesterday that you were this little baby, curled up in my arms as we comforted one another after the traumatic experience of birth...and now you are this little person who is growing up far too fast. Your brother did too, but for some reason it seems like it is going faster this time. 

Part of it, I am sure, is my feelings of guilt. I was looking through pictures of your brother tonight at your age, and there seem to be so many more of him. I know that a big reason I feel that way is the damaged hard drive with the first six months of your life on it that is currently tucked away safely, awaiting next years tax returns so that we have the money to fix it and try to recover some of those precious pictures. I am so sorry for that, son. I want you to know that I love you just as dearly, just as passionately, as I love your brother. Every smile, every moment, is just as precious as it was with him. I just feel like I am lacking in my photographic documentation this time around.

Another reason is that it really is going by faster. SO much has happened this year. Your Daddy came home to meet you, Mommy got sick with my gallbladder and then my pancreas, Daddy had to leave again...And I don't just have you to center all my time around, but your brother too. Sometimes I feel guilty for that as well. That you don't get the one on one time with me that he did in his first year. It isn't anything I can change, but I still feel guilty. Please know that I do everything I can to have special time with both of you so that you can have my undivided attention.

For you, most of that time comes in the morning. You wake up well before your big brother most days, and that time we get to curl together and snuggle in bed means so much to me. I hope that we will still be able to do that for a long time, even though I am going to have to stop nursing you very soon. Too soon. Something else I am sorry for. I wish my body was normal. I wish I was healthy and boring, but I'm not, and there is medication Mommy needs to be back on soon. Medication that isn't safe for you. So, I am going to have to wean you earlier than I would like, which will cut into a lot of our snuggling I think. I am hoping you will still want to curl around me in the early hours of the morning, even if you have to have a sippy in your hands instead of nursing. 

You are beautiful and amazing, my son. As your brother before you, you have this way of making me see the world through the eyes of a child again. I find a new amazement in simple things, like the ability to stand unsupported or the wonder of clapping my hands together. The adorable way you point to things you want, or how you simply nod your head in rhythm instead of full fledged dancing. You are an amazing little creature, and this year has been such a blessing to me. I look forward to the ones in front of us, even as I lament the speed of the one behind. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Harry Potter And Parker

Dear Parker,

You have discovered the magical world of Harry Potter, and in doing so have made your Mommy so happy and proud. We were all cuddled up together one day watching the first movie on TV. You were asking so many questions and wanted so badly to help Harry fight off Voldemort, and you looked at me with a  big grin and asked if I would read you the books when you were bigger. "When I'm five?" you asked eagerly, and how could I refuse?

So, when you are five, I will start reading you the first book and we will see where we go from there. I am sure these are books and movies we will share many, many times as you and your brother grow. They are such a magical series. (The books are better, of course, but the movies aren't terrible.) I am so excited to be sharing something with you that I enjoyed so much when I was younger, and still do if it comes to that.

I even made you a magic wand last night using my amazing Magical Mommy Skills. (Which involve dowel rods, a glue gun, and paint.) You spent a large part of today using that wand to help Harry fight Voldemort during a Harry Potter Marathon on ABC Family. I am glad you enjoy the movies, though I can't wait to share the books with you. They are better. Of course. Still, as amazing as you are, I am not sure you have the patience to sit through pictureless chapter books yet. I am probably, once again, underestimating you. I am sorry for that. I seem to do it a lot. It's not that I don't know you are amazing, it is just that I have a hard time wrapping my mind around how amazingly awesome you are. It's too much for one mind to take in. :0)

Enjoy your magic, little boy. You make mine every day.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Over Balls

Dear Parker,

What a fun day. We usually have fun days, but today was extra fun. We headed up to Boise today, because Mommy had a doctors appointment early in the morning. As we entered the highway, you asked where we were going, and after I told you you very happily said:

"Oh good, Can we get my over balls?"

Alarmed and confused, I said "I'm sorry, what?"

"Some over balls that go kick!"

"What?!"

Now, you have this voice that you use when I am just not getting it. This doesn't happen often, but sometimes you are trying to explain something to me and it just isn't translating. I can't fake it either. If I try to pretend I know what you are saying, you will continue to repeat it until I repeat it to you correctly. You are so patient though. You have this tone that sort of sounds like "My Mother Is An Idiot But If I'm Patient She'll Get It", though I know you would never actually say that to me. You were using that voice now when you said "Over balls, Mommy. The kind that go kick!"

After mulling it over in my mind again, the only response I could come up with was another "What?"

If you have figured out what it was you were asking for, you are quicker than me. I was still saying "What?" fifteen minutes later when you finally, very slowly and patiently, said: "I want to get my over balls. The ones like Sebastian has that go kick over your shoulders!" 

And I got it. I was so proud of myself!!! So were you, I think. 

That's right, you wanted OVERALLS that go CLICK over your shoulders like Sebastian's. I had told you several weeks ago that the next time we went to Boise we would get you some overalls, and you hadn't forgotten. So you are now the proud owner of two new pairs of "over balls". You wear them well.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

New Discoveries

Dear Sebastian,

Every day it is something new. Today, it was that Mommy has these bushy tufts of hair above her eyes. What could they be for, I wonder? Perhaps you could pull them out! You certainly spent a good part of 20 minutes trying, as we lay in bed together this morning, to pluck my eyebrows out. I'm not complaining. It didn't hurt, (much) and you got such a big grin on your beautiful face every time you would reach out for another try that I just couldn't be upset with you. 

After all, eyebrows are new to you, and I am the only person in your every day life that has noticeable ones right now. (Your brothers have always been so blond that they are almost invisible.) Pluck away, little man. Mommy doesn't mind.

Something I did mind was your discovery of the stairs and how you could climb them today. Luckily big brother, who is always on the lookout for you, let me know so that I could run and catch up with you when you were only a couple of stairs up. We then walked up behind you patiently as you made your way to the top, which took a surprisingly short amount of time. You are an amazing little climber, quite the mountain goat, but now that you have done it you seem to think it is something that must be repeated regularly. You are not a fan when I put up the baby gate. Luckily, this will only be an issue when we are at friend's houses for now, since we don't have any stairs at our own. Of course I thought that about your big brother too, and he was your age when he took advantage of all the adults in the house forgetting to put up the gate one day, followed by a tumble that resulted in a split head and trip to the UCC.

Let's not repeat that experience, what do you say?

Keep making your discoveries, Baby. Mommy loves discovering with you!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Number Six

Dear Sebastian, 

You have six teeth today! Your other bottom tooth right next to the two front ones on the left came in now. So you have four in a perfect line across the bottom and your two front top teeth. 

You look so cute and perfect with your little teeth. I miss your gummy baby grins, but I am in love with your pearly white toddler ones too. 

Not that you are toddling yet, and as far as I am concerned you can wait as long as you want to before you start that. Mommy isn't ready to have both you and your brother running around yet, and it would be nice if you would wait until Daddy came home to start walking. No pressure. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Always

Dear Parker,

Most of the time I think that you are doing so very well with this deployment. Then, every once in awhile, you will come out and say something that reminds me that you have fears too, even if you aren't sure why you are scared. You did that today.

You and Sebastian were playing at the train table, seemingly happy as could be, when you suddenly stopped and looked over at me, tears in your eyes. 

"Mommy, I don't want to be a Daddy!" Sure I had misheard you, I asked what, and you repeated with a little more fear in your voice "I don't want to grow up and be a Daddy!" We have often talked about when you grow up big like Daddy, and you have always been excited about the idea, so this was a complete change of tune.

Concerned by your sudden change in mood and the heartbreaking tremble in your bottom lip, I pulled you to me and asked 'Why ever not?"

Tears spilling over now you said "Because there can't be two daddies, and so if I am a Daddy and here, Daddy can't come home again, and I don't want to leave!" I am sure that years down the line this will be a story that I smile over, maybe even laugh a little, but right now I can't. You looked so heartbroken and scared that my heart cried for you as I held you close and rocked you.

"Parker, your Daddy will come home. He will always come home to us." It seemed important to get that out first and foremost. I never want you to doubt that fact, especially not at the age of three. I then went on. "It will be a long time before you are all grown up and ready to get married and have a house of your own and be a Daddy." This didn't seem to reassure you though. You clung to me tight and whimpered:

"I don't ever want to leave. I don't want to marry anyone else. I want to marry you and stay here with you forever." 

Part of knowing that I have done my job is knowing that one day you will grow and leave my home to one of your own. I will be sad on that day, even as I rejoice that you are a good man who your father and I have made as ready for this world as possible. I also know that this has nothing to do with that day, many years in the future, but with the fact that you are scared. You have too many people who you love that have to be far away. You have too many people who you can't see and touch and feel whenever you want to. You might not know how to explain that at three years old, but it scares you. It makes you feel like you aren't safe. It makes you feel like any of us could go away at any time, including you. And it breaks my heart that you have to feel that way, Parker. War is Hell, son, and more so on you children than anyone I think. 

So instead of trying to tell you that you would one day want to leave. Instead of trying to explain that being gone didn't mean we wouldn't always be a family. Instead of trying to make something make sense to you at three years old that I can't even get my mind around most days at twenty-eight, I held you close, kissed your head, and promised to you in a whisper:

"You can always stay with us, Parker. As long as you want to, you can be here. Always."

And I mean that. Forever and always, we are your family. We will always be together. I promise.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Best Chef Ever!

Dear Parker,

About two weeks ago, you asked me completely out of the blue: "Mommy, can I be a firefighter tiger Spiderman Darth Vader chef and cook at Wendy's?"I told you sure, why not? You can be anything you want to be.

So, today, again completely out of the blue, you said that you don't want to work at Wendy's anymore. You wants to work for Chef Ramsey. "And I will make him pancakes and he will think they taste SOOOO good, Mommy! I want to be on the red team though, not the blue team, OK?" 

Anything you want, my boy. And Gordon Ramsey will be happy to have you, I am sure!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Stand and Deliver

Dear Sebastian,

Today you stood all by yourself, not holding onto a thing! (Well, except for a safety fork you were chewing on.) You had pulled up on me and were watching your brother and I tie-dye when you just let go and stood there, continuing to observe. 

It had to be at least 3 minutes, because I had the time to grab the camera and snap a couple of shots. You just stood there like it was the most normal thing in the whole world until you wanted to sit down again and realized that you didn't know how. 

I've said it a thousand times, and I am sure I will again, but you are growing up so fast! Don't start walking yet! I'm not ready for it!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Care Bear Stare!

Dear Parker, 

A few days back you woke up not feeling well so we all cuddled on the couch. You asked me if you could watch Care Bears so you could feel better. ♥ That alone made me so proud of you! Today, however, I heard something I have been waiting to hear for 25 years!

Today you asked me: "Mommy, will you teach me how to do a Care Bear Stare?" *sniff* I am so proud! Care Bears played such an important part in my childhood, I am so happy to see them entering yours! 

Now my only problem is that you fully expect me to teach you how to shoot a stair out of your tummy. Not using your imagination...you expect me to actually help you do it. Oh boy.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Mommy Honey

Dear Parker,

Sometimes I wonder if every mother gets to have the type of conversations I get to have with you. I rather think not. I also think I am going to have my hands full for the rest of my life with you. My hands and my heart.

Parker: "I am going to call you Honey."

Mommy: "But, sweetheart, I am your Mommy."

Parker: "Daddy calls you honey."

Mommy: "Yes he does, but Daddy is my husband. You are my son, so you call me Mommy."

Parker, after giving this some thought: "I'll call you Mommy Honey."

And how do you argue with that? Especially when you reached out, touched my cheek, and smiled sweetly like you just knew I couldn't argue with you, and then followed it up with "I love you!"

The day I fear most with you is the day you realize the power you have. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

You Are Just Amazing

Dear Parker,

You are just amazing. In case you didn't know. You bring joy to people just by being you, and none more than me. 

Your Aunt Harmony and Hootie had to go back to Ohio today, and it made me really sad. You, being you, asked me why I was so sad. I told you that it was because I missed Hootie, Aunt Harmony, and Daddy so much. Without missing a beat, you said not to worry, because you and Sebastian are here andyou  will keep me safe. 

Then you sang God Gave Me You to me while we were driving home from the airport. (It's your favorite song, you say.) 

I love, love, LOVE you, son. You and your brother just light up my world.  

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

I Spoke Too Soon!

Dear Sebastian,

Tooth number five popped out today! It has joined its fellows in your mouth, just waiting to chomp down on some innocent flesh. Congratulations.

And, oh yeah...WE HAVE "MAMA"!!! It was quiet, and you were mad at me and trying to get my attention, but it counts! You went "Mama! Maaaamaaaa!" and even your Hootie heard it, so I'm not crazy. YAY!!!

Sure, you said, Daddy, Goddit, Bubba, Cat, Dog, Hi, and something that sounds suspiciously like thank you first, but I do matter!!! It is nice to know.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Four On The Fourth

Dear Sebastian,

Today was your first Fourth of July. It was also the day that tooth number four declared independence from your gums! Your front top left tooth. I'm starting to think that you plan your milestones on big days like your birthdays and holidays. Now if you would only say "Mama"...

That's OK with me, Baby. You say Mama when you are ready. I can wait.

I wish your Daddy had been here to celebrate your first 4th of July with you. You had Mommy, Big Brother, Hootie and Aunt Harmony though, so you were well loved. I'd bought some protective ear gear, the kind people use when they are out shooting, so that you wouldn't get too startled by the fireworks. (And so your ears wouldn't get damaged.) You only left them on for a little while though before you had enough of them. So, if you are going deaf when you are 40, it's your own fault. :0)

You had fun. You were a little worried and scared, but for the most part you watched with awe. I wish your Daddy had been there to see it. I got some pictures, but not many. I asked your Aunt Harmony to take them for us, and Aunt Harmony needs some lessons in photography. :0) 

Happy first 4th of July, Sebastian Robert Magnus!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

In The Woods

Dear Parker,

Yesterday I taught you how to pee in the woods. I always thought it would be your father doing that, but desperate times call for desperate measures. At first you were very unsure about it, but once I assured you that it was OK, you thought it all a fun game! You tried to aim for weeds and laughed like a maniac the entire time. Coolest thing since sliced bread. 

Today, you were at the park with Hootie and Sebastian. Mommy was sick and in bed, so I didn't get to hear this story until later. I have no idea what Hootie was doing, but you were in a little area on the playground where she could see your head, but not the rest of you. Apparently, you were there for quite some time, and when she went to check on you, you had decided to practice your new found freedom of eliminating in the great outdoors...but pooping on the playground. 

It was quickly cleaned up, and I am pretty sure you left just as quickly, Hootie explaining to you that you just don't do that sort of thing. Later on, when I learned of it, we had a talk about how it is very important that you only do these things when there are no other options and Mommy or Daddy says it is OK. It probably would not have been as amusing to me had I been the one at the park with you, but as I wasn't, it was great fun for Mommy to hear about. I am hoping this doesn't continue to be a thing, but if it does I will have several stories to share with the woman you one day bring home as your bride, won't I?
 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Number Three!

Dear Sebastian,

Tooth number THREE is out! After several days of swollen, bruised gums and an unhappy baby, the front top right tooth has broken through. Yay!!! I think the other front top tooth will follow soon. 

I wish that you didn't have to go through all this pain in order to get your beautiful little teeth out, but I promise you that it will be worth it. If not, I'll find that evil tooth fairy and beat her up for you.
 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Hi, Dada! Hi, Dada!

Dear Sebastian,

I worry about you a lot. How you are taking this whole deployment, but mostly how you are going to take Daddy coming home. We have an established routine, you, me, and Parker, and I am worried how it is going to unsettle you to have someone else thrown into this.

I am doing everything I can to make sure you know your Daddy. You, like your brother before you, have a Daddy book full of pictures of the two of you. You also have the amazing benefit of Skype, here you get to see Daddy on the computer about once a week. Usually you watch, maybe smile a bit, but today you gave your daddy such a thrill. Me too, but nothing compared to what you must have done to your Daddy's heart when you stuck both hands in the air, began waving enthusiastically, and yelled at the top of your lungs "Hi, Dada! Hi, Dada! Hi, Dada!" It was amazing and beautiful, and it lets me know that maybe I am more worried than you are. There are some things that can not be challenged by distance, no matter how great. I think perhaps the bond of father and son is one of those.

I can't wait to see you in his arms again, yelling "Hi, Dada! Hi, Dada!" and able to kiss his face instead of a computer screen.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Brave

Dear Parker,

Today you had a special day out with just Mommy and Aunt Harmony while Hootie took Sebastian to the mall. We took you to see the new movie, Brave. Even though it is a "princess movie" is is about Scotland and bears and battles...I hoped you would like it. 

We had such a great time. You were such a big boy, sitting there in your theater chair, trying to stay close to the edge because if you scooted too far back the chair tried to flip closed on you. You had your very own drink and shared popcorn with Mommy and Auntie. Such a big boy was sitting next to me. I have to do these kinds of things more often. It is hard, living so far away from family, because there is no one here usually to watch your little brother while we take you to do big boy stuff. I promise we will make the effort more though, even if you just have a special day out with Mommy or Daddy while the other stays home with Sebastian. He will have his special days too. I want you both to know how very special you are to us, both as a pair and on your own.

I had so much fun with you today. You only got a little scared once, and cuddled up next to me so I could whisper reassurances in your ear. I loved the movie, but I loved watching your face as you took it in more. 

After we left, you insisted that you too needed a bow and arrows just like Merida. Always one to give in to reasonable requests, you now have a little purple and blue set of bow and arrows. We spent some time in the back yard together where I taught you how to shoot it. I am pleased and proud to say that you are a natural. Perhaps archery is in your future. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

On The Move!

Dear Sebastian,

You are ten months old today. Ten months and you finally started crawling. You have been able to do it for some time now, I am sure of it. You have been scooting around on your butt just using your legs to push yourself for awhile now. Today though, you decided to join the ranks of the crawling.

So you got on your hands and knees and went for it! The entire time you were giving me this look like you shouldn't have to be lowering yourself this much. Don't I know it is my place to carry you. But you did it and we all cheered for you. Parker, Mommy, Hootie, and Harmony. We are so proud of you! You seemed to like the cheering part.

Don't worry son. You will learn to like it. Before you know it, you will be all over the place, never remembering that there was a time you didn't want to crawl and relied on Mommy to take you from point A to point B.

I am so proud of you, big boy!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

How A Three Year Old Copes

Dear Parker,

It has been a rough month or so for you. I am sorry about that. I would do anything if I could bring your Daddy back right now, but I can't. He's on yet another deployment, his third since you were born, and his second in just a year, and that isn't fair to you. And I am so sorry.

You really have been a little trooper for the most part. You've cried. Asked me when Daddy could come home and told me how very much you miss him, but there have been funny moments too. Like when you asked me if we could just eat up all the kisses in your Daddy Kiss jar right now so that Daddy could come home. It broke my heart a little having to tell you that it didn't work like that, but it made me smile that you had thought of it. 

Then there was the time in the car, just four days after Daddy left, when the song God Gave Me You came on the radio. In your perfect, matter-of-fact voice you said to me "Mommy, God gave you me. I love God! He makes me happy. He made me strong. He made you strong too, Mama." I cried then, and thanked God for such an amazing son. 

Then there was the day you proposed to me. On May 11th you came up to me completely out of the blue and said "Mama, we're getting married!" I asked you what about Daddy, and you very obligingly told me "Daddy can be there." You have told me several times since that we will be getting married, though you have now informed me that I can be married to Daddy too. 

You miss him so very much. So does Sebastian, and so do I, but you are doing wonderfully! It really will be over before you know it, and Daddy will be home. As you say every night, your jar of kisses is going "downer and downer", and every kiss brings Daddy one day closer to being home with us again.

Later on today we are going to the airport to pick up your Hootie and Aunt Harmony. They will be visiting us for five weeks, so hopefully that will help the days go by quickly. I am worried that you will take it hard when they go, but we will get through this. No deployment will get the better of us. As you used to say to me last Summer "It's just you and me, Mommy! You and me!" and now Sebastian. There is nothing we can't get through together as a family. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Tooth Number Two

Dear Sebastian,

After a very rough night for both of us, tooth number two is out! Bottom front right, right next to your first one. You are all smiles this morning, so I am hoping that I can get some pictures to send to Daddy and Ohio. 

You're getting so big! 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Star Wars

Dear Parker,

Guess who watched Star Wars for the first time today? I was worried that there would be parts that scared you, but you are just in love. You have begged me for a Darth Vader costume, and in the same breath informed me that your next little brother needs to be named Darth Vader.

I am pretty sure that we won't be doing that, but I also see a lot of Star Wars in our future, which is fine with me. I like it too. 

Welcome to The Force, son.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

More? Already?

Dear Parker,

Every day it is something new. And most days it is something that makes me smile. Today, I heard you talking in the play room while I made lunch. Thinking you were talking to me, I called "What did you say, honey?"

"I'm not talking to you, Mommy. I'm just talking to God."

"Oh. OK." Smiling to myself, and thinking I'd probably get a very sweet response to share, I asked "What are you talking to God about?"

"I'm just asking Him if we can have another baby."

Oh boy. This is what happens when your children love each other more than life...they want more! I want you to remember this one day when you are asking me why in the world I cursed you with so many younger brothers. (And sisters maybe.)

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Sexy?

Dear Parker, 

Sometimes the conversations I have with you are just too much. I would hate to forget any of them, so I post them here, both so that I will remember them and so that you can read them one day and laugh. (Also, you can say to yourself "My kids are normal after all!")

Parker: "Mommy, what does 'sexy' mean?"

Mommy, frantically trying to come up with a three year old appropriate answer: "It means that someone is pretty or handsome to themselves or other people."

Parker: "Oh...So I am sexy and I know it!"

Do you know how alarming it is when your three year old says that? Alarming and hilarious, but the hilarious didn't come until later. That is why we listen to Country music when you are in the car with Mommy. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

One Day You'll Need This

Dear Parker & Sebastian,

One day, years from now, you will both be standing in front of me trying to yell over the other one as you attempt to tell me what they did to you first. I will know that, deep down, you adore and love one another, but you might not believe me when I tell you. So, I will show you this and you will know it was true once upon a time. You once adored each other.

Earlier today Parker very proudly announced to me: "Sebastian is SO awesome! Thank you for giving him to me, Mommy." 

Every single day you both say or do something that just leaves me in awe. I don't know what I did to deserve the amazing men in my life, but I would do it again 1,000 times over!

 Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

First Tooth!

Dear Sebastian,

Today you are nine months old. Happy "birthday"! I can't even begin to imagine that you are nine months old today. It feels like just yesterday I was holding a brand new little boy in my arms. I am sure you will get sick of me saying that, but it really is true. In the blink of an eye, you watch your children jump from an infant to a toddler to a child. You'll be your big brother's age before you know it!

Further adding to the impression of your rapid growth is the fact that you sprouted your first tooth today. Your bottom left front tooth has now made it's break into the world! You aren't cooperating for pictures, but I'll get one one of these days so that Daddy and everyone back in Ohio can see it.

Only three months until you turn one. Time to start birthday planning!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Lunch

Dear Parker,

You are so my son!

As I was cooling down after my workout today I heard something very large being dragged down the hall. Peering around the corner, I find that you have dragged one of your toy tubs into the kitchen, suspiciously close to the pantry. 

Doing my duty as a Mommy, I asked what you were trying to get, and in the sweetest, sugar-won't-melt-in-his-mouth voice you replied "I was just getting you lunch." with such a smile and bat of your eyelashes that you almost could convince me. You know, if I didn't know you were mine. :0)

Until next time, be good (if you can), be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Get His Snot!

Dear Parker,

You crack me up on a daily basis. Today was no exception.

We were at the park for a play date today, and while on the swings we saw another little boy, maybe a year older than you, who had a runny nose. You pointed at him and urgently told me "Mommy, he has snot! Get it!"

You have been having some allergy problems, so I have been wiping up a lot of snot lately, but I patiently told you that it wasn't my job to get his snot. You looked at me right in the eye and very firmly said "Yes it is, Mommy. Your job is getting snot." As I have said, I have been wiping up a lot of snot lately between you and your brother, but it made me laugh to think you have regulated my job as a stay at home mother to wiping up snot. 

I have since explained to you that my job is to wipe up you and Sebastian's snot, not anyone else's, but you still made me smile. Thank you for that, son.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Happy 3rd Birthday, Parker!

My Dearest Little Boy,

You are three now. I can't begin to tell you how much that blows Mommies mind. It truly feels that only yesterday I was holding this perfect little 8lb 5.4oz baby in my arms with eyes so dark blue that they looked black and hair so light and soft...you were perfect. I have never been so completely floored by unconditional love as I was when I held you for the first time...

And now you are three. And you are still so very perfect. 

You are also mine 100%. Stubborn, bright, charming, inquisitive...You test me. You test me right up to the edge of my patience and sanity. 

You amaze me. I am in complete and total awe of the amazing little person you are, the amazing little person I can see you becoming...It amazes me the way you touch people everywhere we go without any effort at all. You smile and a room lights up with the joy that is you. You laugh and people around you laugh without even knowing why. You speak and you make people think. 

You are a gift from God to this world, Michael Parker-Maxwin. Not just to your Daddy, brother, and I, but to the entire world. Keep shining my little star. You have given me three amazing years, and it makes me sad that they have gone by so very fast, but I look forward to the years ahead of us too.

Happy birthday my amazing son. And many, many more.

 Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,
Mommy

"Goddit"

Dear Sebastian,

You added a new phrase to your vocabulary today. You were playing on the floor with Daddy, reaching for the foot rest on your high chair with all your might. When your little fingers finally grasped it strongly you cried out "Goddit! Goddit! God god god goddit!"

With a big smile on his face, Daddy looked at you and said "You got it?" You giggled back and repeated:

"Goddit! Goddit! Dadadada! Goddit!"

You are amazing. Every day there is something new you learn or do, and I love it. I'm so blessed to get to experience it with you. And your Daddy is just glowing with it. He missed out on a lot of this with your brother because he was deployed. He's relishing every experience he gets to share with you.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Sebastian's Song

Dear Sebastian,

Hey my sweet baby boy. Just like your brother before you, you have a song. A special song that is all yours. No, I didn't come up with the tune, but the words are mine. :0) You enjoy this song a lot, though I think that your favorite song by far at this age is your ABCs. If you can't sing them by the time you're two, I'll be shocked. :0)

I wanted to have this written down for you so that you can look back on it one day and know it was yours. I love you so much sweet boy. Forever and always!

Baby Sebastian

To the tune of Baby Baluga

Baby Sebastian can't you see

How much that smile means to me?

Daddy loves it too, and Big Brother you know.

You're our little Baby Bunny on the go!

You're our little Baby Bunny on the go!

Baby Sebastian!

Baby Sebastian!

When you wave your little arms and kick your little legs

You make us so happy.

Baby Sebastian, you're so fine!

I'm so happy that you're mine.

With your big, bright eyes, and your long, little toes

You're our little Baby Banyan on the go!

You're our little Baby Banyan on the go!

Baby Sebastian!

Baby Sebastian!

When you wave your little arms and kick your little legs

You make us so happy!

Baby Sebastian can't you see

How much you are loved by me?

Daddy loves you too, and Big Brother you know.

You're out little Baby Boy on the go!

You're our little Baby Boy on the go!

Baby Sebastian!

Baby Sebastian!

When you wave your little arms and kick your little legs

You make us so happy!

Baby Sebastian!

Baby Sebastian!

No matter what you do we'll always love you.

You make us so happy!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Parker's Song

Dear Parker,

You have a song. A special song that is just yours. I sang it one day when you were just a tiny baby, and it stuck. I made it up all myself...Well, OK, I didn't make up the tune. The words are all mine though, and you love it. Almost as much as I love you. :0)

I wanted to make sure it was written down. Just in case I go crazy years from now and can't remember it, I wanted you to know your song.

Baby Parker

To the tune of Rubber Ducky

Baby Parker, you're the one.

You make living lots of fun!

Baby Parker, I'm awfully fond of you.

Boo boo pa do.

Baby Parker, you're so sweet.

You make every day really neat.

Baby Parker, I'm awfully fond of you!

Knew I loved you when you were living in my belly!

Now you're making every day absolutely swelly.

Boo boo pa delly.

Baby Parker, you're so fine.

And I'm glad you're really mine.

Baby Parker, I'm awfully find of you!

Knew I loved you when you were living in my belly!

Now you're making every day absolutely swelly!

Boodah Boodah Belly!

Baby Parker, I love you!

And your Daddy loves you too.

Baby Parker, I'm awfully fond of,

Baby Parker, I'm terribly fond of,

Baby Parker, I'm awfully fond of you!

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Sebastian

Dear Sebastian,

You are seven months old now. Seven. When did that happen? I will tell you what I told your brother, I should have done this forever ago, but life passes us by so quickly that many things we should be doing get left undone.

You are getting so big so fast. You've been sitting up by yourself now for over a month. This is a good thing. You couldn't stand baths for months, but now that you can sit up in them with your big brother you are happy as can be so play and splash and squeal...It's very cute to watch. I have many pictures. I am sure that you will be horrified by that fact when you get older. :0)

You are also teething, poor boy. I wish I could take all the pain away from you, but I can't. All I can do is give you teething tablets and Tylanol and hope that your teeth will come quickly. You're having a horrible time of it, worse than your brother did, at least as far as I can remember.

Your Daddy is getting ready to leave again. I'm worried that you won't know him when he gets back. You are so close to him now. When Daddy walks in a room you just light up. I am hoping that we can pick up right where we will be leaving off when he comes home. He doesn't want to leave. He was so excited to think he was going to be home for your first year and a half or so...but it's just what he does. I hope that one day you will know how amazing he is and not regret too much the time you will miss out. The time you have with him is so blessed.

You are an amazing boy. You have such a ready smile for your family, especially your brother. I've never seen someone look at another like you look at him, and it is magical. I certainly hope that relationship lasts forever.

I love you, big boy! Every day you learn something new and experience something else, and it is soooooo much fun to watch and experience with you.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Parker

Dear Parker, 

I should have done this years ago. I am sorry. I meant to, but, well, life got in the way. I am sorry for that. I have spent awhile feeling guilty about it, because I did intend on doing this from the time you were born, but then I realized that it's never too late. After all, you are only getting ready to turn three. It's not like you are eighteen and I'm sitting here trying to write to you about your life. 

Almost three. That completely baffles me. You will turn three years old in less than a month, and I could swear that I'd just brought you home yesterday. I know that I am your mother, but I am not just being biased when I tell you that you are a truly remarkable little man. I have stepped back and tried to look at you with an objective eye, especially in comparison to other children your age. The truth is, you out shine most children older than you. Believe it or not, there are not many children your age with your vocabulary, who are fully potty trained (even at night), who can write and spell (and finger spell) their names...you are an exceptional little boy. And I am not just saying that because I am your mother.

Earlier this week we were laying in bed together like we do every morning. You reached out and touched my face, placing your cheek in my palm and whispered "Mommy, I want to tell you a secret." You then smiled and continued with "I love your beautiful eyes. They are my favorite. I love your beautiful ears and your beautiful lips and your beautiful feet." My ears? I laughed, I had to, but you warmed my heart. You are one of the sweetest little people I have ever known.

You are also the most amazing big brother ever to walk the Earth, hands down. Again, this could be me just being a biased Mommy, except that there is no way that anyone could mistake the look that Sebastian gives you every time you are in his sights. And you just dote on him! It is the sweetest thing to see. Any time he makes a sound you look at me and say "Mommy, Sebastian is crying!" then you run to wherever he is and start singing the ABCs. (That is his favorite song...and even more so when you are the one singing it.) 

Right now as I write this your favorite color is red. Your favorite movie is Cars (or Cars 2). You worship the ground your Daddy walks on, but you are afraid he's going to leave again. And sometimes, while you won't admit it, you still love to snuggle up with your Mommy. :0)

I love you, Parker. More than you could ever imagine. You are my first, beautiful little miracle. 

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Just The Beginning

My Dearest Sons,

This is just the beginning. There are so many things that I want to say to you, that I do say to you, that you just can't understand right now. Things that I don't know if you will ever fully understand, but I need them said. I want to know that, no matter what, one day you can look back and see this. See exactly how much you both meant to me. I want to make sure you know all those thoughts that run through a mother's mind while she's trying to raise little boys. (And your Daddy) 

Go ahead. I know you are rolling your eyes right now. That's OK. If you don't already, one day you will have children of your own, and you will understand everything that you desperately want to pass on to them and the fear that you might never get the chance. Hopefully this will give me that chance.

Until next time, be good, be happy, and know that I love you.

Love Always,

Mommy